My knee is mostly better. I won't be running a marathon tomorrow (or ever, ever, ever), but I can now walk up and down stairs and down the hallway without people asking me what on earth I've done to myself.
In other words, I'll need to find some other way to get attention.
Must get that monkey.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
I Am THAT Employee
We had a meeting scheduled at 9am, so I left the house early. Then the following happened:
The bus didn't come for 20-30 minutes.
The subway was also delayed, so I waited a further 20-25 minutes.
When I got to work, I wasn't sure where the conference room was, so I ran around the building looking for it. I made a full circle back to my desk, where I asked a coworker for directions.
I got to the conference room and found there was no one there.
I got back to my desk again, to learn that the room had been changed.
I walked into the meeting over an hour late, to learn they had pulled up one of my projects and were talking about how wrong all my data was.
When we pulled up my other project, we were unable to work on it because I had the item locked in the system from my desk. At this point, everyone is just laughing.
While I was supposed to be learning things, I was staring at my boot and discovered that the sole is coming off.
Fact 1: This comedy of errors made this whole morning more fun than most, despite my less-than-stellar job performance.
Fact 2: Meetings are hard.
Fact 3: Boots are interesting.
Fact 4: I originally began this post with an announcement that it is my 500th. Until I realized that 500 does not immediately follow 459.
The bus didn't come for 20-30 minutes.
The subway was also delayed, so I waited a further 20-25 minutes.
When I got to work, I wasn't sure where the conference room was, so I ran around the building looking for it. I made a full circle back to my desk, where I asked a coworker for directions.
I got to the conference room and found there was no one there.
I got back to my desk again, to learn that the room had been changed.
I walked into the meeting over an hour late, to learn they had pulled up one of my projects and were talking about how wrong all my data was.
When we pulled up my other project, we were unable to work on it because I had the item locked in the system from my desk. At this point, everyone is just laughing.
While I was supposed to be learning things, I was staring at my boot and discovered that the sole is coming off.
Fact 1: This comedy of errors made this whole morning more fun than most, despite my less-than-stellar job performance.
Fact 2: Meetings are hard.
Fact 3: Boots are interesting.
Fact 4: I originally began this post with an announcement that it is my 500th. Until I realized that 500 does not immediately follow 459.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
The Adventures of Gimpy Girl, Episode 2: Wherein I Wonder How I Can Milk This
I could work from home. That would be quite reasonable. Too reasonable, in fact.
I shall work from bed. But in order to stay in bed, I'll require help. I would like this help to come in the form of a trained monkey, because trained monkey! He'll be called Jerry, and he'll have to wear stupid outfits, because I want to be amused. I'll say, "Jerry, fetch me a drink! Make me a sandwich! Now dance, Monkey, dance! With oomph. Really work it."
And then I won't be able to let him go, even after I've recovered, because we'll have formed a bond. I'll take him to work at the office where he can further assist me.
But if he gets promoted first, our friendship is over.
I shall work from bed. But in order to stay in bed, I'll require help. I would like this help to come in the form of a trained monkey, because trained monkey! He'll be called Jerry, and he'll have to wear stupid outfits, because I want to be amused. I'll say, "Jerry, fetch me a drink! Make me a sandwich! Now dance, Monkey, dance! With oomph. Really work it."
And then I won't be able to let him go, even after I've recovered, because we'll have formed a bond. I'll take him to work at the office where he can further assist me.
But if he gets promoted first, our friendship is over.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
I Just Want to Bang on De Drum All Day
I tried to take a career-development workshop held at my office today. I made it through two hours, during which I took a lot of notes about how unhappy I am here. There are a few other stressors at the moment, too -- mostly the kinds of conflicts that just come from living in a world with other people, but which I hate to my core and make me sick to my stomach. I want to live alone, far away from conflict and ickiness. I was thinking about that and feeling sad, so I carried that feeling into the workshop. Add to that the fact that I'm not interested enough in my own job to talk about it, and that I'm not even remotely interested in the jobs of other people in the room. I didn't see that being a helpful attitude to bring to the round of mutual informational interviews we were about to begin. So I had a chat with the facilitator and decided to just go back to my desk and get some daily work done, because that may be more likely to lower my stress than sitting in a room thinking about how much I don't want anything to do with publishing or normal jobs ever again, and how I'm tired of the way having roommates means always being upset with somebody or wondering if they're upset with you, and wanting to cry.
I'm blogging and crying at my desk instead. Much more productive.
I'm blogging and crying at my desk instead. Much more productive.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
The Adventures of Gimpy Girl, Episode 1: Wherein I Become Asymmetrical
I wiped out spectacularly on the ice on Friday night. Don't for a second think that this means that I no longer love snow with a singular and unreasonable devotion. All it means is that I had an excuse to follow through with the vague plans I already had to do nothing for the entire three-day weekend.
I managed to twist my right knee, ankle, and (only the good Lord knows how) the inside arch of my foot. Any chance it looked like a rockin' dance move and not completely spazzy? Probably not. But since I didn't see myself fall, and, to my knowledge, there is no video footage, we'll go with the idea that it did, in fact, look like I meant to land on my ass in the hurdle pose.
Then I walked for another 15-20 minutes. I was on an errand to exchange some gloves for mittens, and wasn't no little crippled-ness gonna stop me. Not sure if that walking around made it worse or better or neither. All I know is that I did it.
I was on the couch pretty solidly on Saturday, and for impressive chunks of Sunday and Monday. Fortunately, I'm good at watching TV. I learned the word pestilential, thanks to a documentary about Ulysses S. Grant and the Civil War, which is fun (the word itself, not the Civil War or anything that is, in fact, pestilential). Wore heels to my roommate's birthday dinner, which I freely admit was stupid. But I don't care that it was stupid, so there.
Now I'm back at work, learning what it means to have less-than-optimum mobility. It's embarrassing. And slow. But if anyone has the temperament to deal with embarrassing slowness, 'tis I. And on the upside, my left leg is getting all kinds of excercise.
OK, I gotta run and catch a shuttle bus. Or hobble and catch a shuttle bus, rather.
I managed to twist my right knee, ankle, and (only the good Lord knows how) the inside arch of my foot. Any chance it looked like a rockin' dance move and not completely spazzy? Probably not. But since I didn't see myself fall, and, to my knowledge, there is no video footage, we'll go with the idea that it did, in fact, look like I meant to land on my ass in the hurdle pose.
Then I walked for another 15-20 minutes. I was on an errand to exchange some gloves for mittens, and wasn't no little crippled-ness gonna stop me. Not sure if that walking around made it worse or better or neither. All I know is that I did it.
I was on the couch pretty solidly on Saturday, and for impressive chunks of Sunday and Monday. Fortunately, I'm good at watching TV. I learned the word pestilential, thanks to a documentary about Ulysses S. Grant and the Civil War, which is fun (the word itself, not the Civil War or anything that is, in fact, pestilential). Wore heels to my roommate's birthday dinner, which I freely admit was stupid. But I don't care that it was stupid, so there.
Now I'm back at work, learning what it means to have less-than-optimum mobility. It's embarrassing. And slow. But if anyone has the temperament to deal with embarrassing slowness, 'tis I. And on the upside, my left leg is getting all kinds of excercise.
OK, I gotta run and catch a shuttle bus. Or hobble and catch a shuttle bus, rather.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Shark-Fishing with a Spear
Injuries incurred during such an activity would be evidence of awesomeness.
My injuries don't happen during awesome activities. In college, I rolled my ankle during a game of mini-golf. This holiday weekend, I'm on the couch icing my knee because I crossed a street too fast and slipped on the ice. Also not awesome.
I achieve physical lameness through metaphorical lameness.
Which, as a writer, I actually find kind of awesome.
My injuries don't happen during awesome activities. In college, I rolled my ankle during a game of mini-golf. This holiday weekend, I'm on the couch icing my knee because I crossed a street too fast and slipped on the ice. Also not awesome.
I achieve physical lameness through metaphorical lameness.
Which, as a writer, I actually find kind of awesome.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Hello, Readers!
I see the number of folks openly -- nay, brazenly! -- following my blog has risen recently. Hooray, and welcome to you all!
You're joining some fine fellow-followers.
You're joining some fine fellow-followers.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Kudos for Consitency, Little Buddy
"Are you being contrary?"
"No!"
My nephew has hit the Terrible Twos. He's still a good kid, and from my non-parental perspective, he continues to get ever more fun. He can roar like a dinosaur now. And stomp around. So we enjoy the same activities.
But he's also learning to assert himself. And the battles he chooses aren't always ones he'll want repeated to the public when he's older. So I'm going to tell you now.
He needed his diaper changed. He didn't want his diaper changed. He said so. Fair enough. But it was getting changed, whether he wanted it or not. Did he resign himself to his fate? Of course not. That's not how one asserts oneself. One does that by not only declaring that the diaper change is not necessary, but that, once the change is complete, one wants the old, dirty diaper back. One wants it baaaa-haaaa-haaaaaaack.
Like the Israelites in the desert, wanting to go back to Egypt.
Yeah baby, I just compared diaper-changing to a Bible story. Sermon illustration high-five, anyone?
"No!"
My nephew has hit the Terrible Twos. He's still a good kid, and from my non-parental perspective, he continues to get ever more fun. He can roar like a dinosaur now. And stomp around. So we enjoy the same activities.
But he's also learning to assert himself. And the battles he chooses aren't always ones he'll want repeated to the public when he's older. So I'm going to tell you now.
He needed his diaper changed. He didn't want his diaper changed. He said so. Fair enough. But it was getting changed, whether he wanted it or not. Did he resign himself to his fate? Of course not. That's not how one asserts oneself. One does that by not only declaring that the diaper change is not necessary, but that, once the change is complete, one wants the old, dirty diaper back. One wants it baaaa-haaaa-haaaaaaack.
Like the Israelites in the desert, wanting to go back to Egypt.
Yeah baby, I just compared diaper-changing to a Bible story. Sermon illustration high-five, anyone?
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Break Off a Piece of Candy
PodCandy is going on break over Christmas and New Year's and will return in 2011.
The blog has no plans to take a break or not to take a break -- it'll be what it be :-).
Happy Holidays from the PodCandy half of this operation, since it won't see you for a while!
The blog has no plans to take a break or not to take a break -- it'll be what it be :-).
Happy Holidays from the PodCandy half of this operation, since it won't see you for a while!
Monday, December 20, 2010
Reversing the Polarity
For about as long as I can remember, I've had a sweet tooth. Several sweet teeth, really. Just a few teeth that weren't sweet teeth, really. I'm known for it. It's kind of my thing.
Over the last few years, I haven't been able to hold my sugar like I used to. Your body starts to let you down as you get older, and mine has been letting me down by getting headachy or otherwise icky when I eat more than three times the amount of dessert a normal person would eat in a day. The injustice!
Now, something even more frightening is happening. A shift in the tectonic plates at the core of my being: I've been craving salt more than sugar.
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeek!
It's a change in my identity -- in the way I perceive myself, and my place in the world. Who am I if not the girl who can be counted on to eat her weight in chocolate and peanut butter?
My tenuous grip on reality may be the next thing to go.
Over the last few years, I haven't been able to hold my sugar like I used to. Your body starts to let you down as you get older, and mine has been letting me down by getting headachy or otherwise icky when I eat more than three times the amount of dessert a normal person would eat in a day. The injustice!
Now, something even more frightening is happening. A shift in the tectonic plates at the core of my being: I've been craving salt more than sugar.
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeek!
It's a change in my identity -- in the way I perceive myself, and my place in the world. Who am I if not the girl who can be counted on to eat her weight in chocolate and peanut butter?
My tenuous grip on reality may be the next thing to go.
Friday, December 17, 2010
Nice Boss
My boss is so nice, it makes me cry. I've had to miss work for some weird-ass reasons this year, and she's been nothing but supportive. It's especially striking when contrasted with the distrustful nature of other people.
That was vague, wasn't it? Let's see if I can get a bit more specific without getting myself or anyone else into trouble...
There were lawsuits. Yeah. I wasn't directly involved, but I had to go to court a couple times to support someone who I thought was being treated unjustly. It meant missing work. And instead of wondering what kind of illegal nonsense I was into, my boss completely understood that it wasn't my fault. She trusts her workers, and she trusted me. Compared to the folks who launched the lawsuits, she was like a shining star.
Then, yesterday, she helped me finagle different kinds of days off in order to use up some time that I'd lose at the end of the year (e.g. sick days) and save some vacation time for later. I was the one who'd entered it wrong in the system; she didn't have to straighten it all out. But she was happy to do it. Nice boss. Teary Holly.
It's usually nice things that make me want to cry. Like, right now, I'm listening to Ella Fitzgerald's Christmas album. Her "Joy to the World" sounded so joyful I almost couldn't handle it. How does a person make their voice sound so joyful? I dunno, but she sure did it. And man, that lady could sing.
I want that kind of joy.
Nice bosses help.
That was vague, wasn't it? Let's see if I can get a bit more specific without getting myself or anyone else into trouble...
There were lawsuits. Yeah. I wasn't directly involved, but I had to go to court a couple times to support someone who I thought was being treated unjustly. It meant missing work. And instead of wondering what kind of illegal nonsense I was into, my boss completely understood that it wasn't my fault. She trusts her workers, and she trusted me. Compared to the folks who launched the lawsuits, she was like a shining star.
Then, yesterday, she helped me finagle different kinds of days off in order to use up some time that I'd lose at the end of the year (e.g. sick days) and save some vacation time for later. I was the one who'd entered it wrong in the system; she didn't have to straighten it all out. But she was happy to do it. Nice boss. Teary Holly.
It's usually nice things that make me want to cry. Like, right now, I'm listening to Ella Fitzgerald's Christmas album. Her "Joy to the World" sounded so joyful I almost couldn't handle it. How does a person make their voice sound so joyful? I dunno, but she sure did it. And man, that lady could sing.
I want that kind of joy.
Nice bosses help.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Today I Learned
... that it hurts my feelings when other people complain about snow. I suppose it's because I identify with it. They may as well insult my family, women, America, the trombone, and anything else that makes up my sense of self. When folks start whining about how a few inches ruined their awesome plans, what I hear is, "The things you like are inconvenient and stupid, and I'm not going to shut up and let you enjoy it."
But I'm determined to enjoy it anyway.
Also, consider geography, people. I wouldn't move to Florida and complain about the sun and old people. I live up North and I have a right to snow a few months out of the year.
I'm not telling anyone that they shouldn't feel what they feel. If they're naturally averse to snow, then that's their prerogative. I just ask that they don't act as if their feelings are the only right way to feel.
And I wonder: Do people start out hating snow, or is that something that comes with adulthood? Do you know any kids who dislike snow? I've never met one. And if loving snow is something that we grow out of, then I wonder if it's actually something precious and worth reclaiming.
Adulthood ain't always best.
I'm still praying for some white stuff to fall.
But I'm determined to enjoy it anyway.
Also, consider geography, people. I wouldn't move to Florida and complain about the sun and old people. I live up North and I have a right to snow a few months out of the year.
I'm not telling anyone that they shouldn't feel what they feel. If they're naturally averse to snow, then that's their prerogative. I just ask that they don't act as if their feelings are the only right way to feel.
And I wonder: Do people start out hating snow, or is that something that comes with adulthood? Do you know any kids who dislike snow? I've never met one. And if loving snow is something that we grow out of, then I wonder if it's actually something precious and worth reclaiming.
Adulthood ain't always best.
I'm still praying for some white stuff to fall.
Wednesday, December 08, 2010
Tuesday, December 07, 2010
The Notes I Pretended to Take in the Meeting I Just Snuck out Of
Uh-oh. This meeting might be for [another department]. Was I invited by mistake? Should I not be here? Any way out now...?
Why do I choose to attend these optional things? I know why. 1) I'm not sure they're optional when I responsd. 2) I want to get away from my desk. 3) Hope of snacks.
I so should not be here. Maybe I can get out at the half hour. Lord, please help with that.
Funny, I instinctively tune out as soon as the speaker starts talking. Please bring better work my way, Lord.
Wow, this is meaningless to me. Hilariously meaningless. Am entertaining myself by noticing the culture in this room, and the boomy quality of this guy's voice. It almost hurts my ears.
I don't know who these people are.
The things they're discussing creep me out. Always clawing forward. "Learning paths" and "learning units?" Five more min. and I'll make a break for it. This makes me glad I'm not even a student!
Get boots repaired. Cut nails.
Why do I choose to attend these optional things? I know why. 1) I'm not sure they're optional when I responsd. 2) I want to get away from my desk. 3) Hope of snacks.
I so should not be here. Maybe I can get out at the half hour. Lord, please help with that.
Funny, I instinctively tune out as soon as the speaker starts talking. Please bring better work my way, Lord.
Wow, this is meaningless to me. Hilariously meaningless. Am entertaining myself by noticing the culture in this room, and the boomy quality of this guy's voice. It almost hurts my ears.
I don't know who these people are.
The things they're discussing creep me out. Always clawing forward. "Learning paths" and "learning units?" Five more min. and I'll make a break for it. This makes me glad I'm not even a student!
Get boots repaired. Cut nails.
Here's How Smart I Am
Everyone at work was given an aluminum water bottle upon moving into this office two years ago. I use it every day. Now that it's colder, I've taken to putting hot water in it, since I don't drink coffee or tea, and don't think it would be good for me to drink six cups of cocoa per day just to keep warm. Because metal conducts temperature so well, I burned my fingers twice yesterday alone, just from holding a bottle full of hot water.
Here's the dumb part: I own a mug.
Here's the dumb part: I own a mug.
Thursday, December 02, 2010
How to Lose Friends
1. Assume the worst about their motives.
2. Tell them what you know their motives to be, and refuse to believe otherwise.
3. Rinse and repeat.
4. Enjoy your isolation.
2. Tell them what you know their motives to be, and refuse to believe otherwise.
3. Rinse and repeat.
4. Enjoy your isolation.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Inspired Searching
The subtitle of this blog is In Search of Inspiration. In this season of gift-giving, I'm in search of the inspiration to buy gifts. It's helpful, when the shopping centers are crowded and the days fly by, to be excited about what you're going to give each person. So I'm hoping it'll hit me.
Any day now.
Any day now.
Any day now.
Any day now.
Monday, November 29, 2010
I Broke Science
On Thanksgiving, my little nephew and I hung out in my parents' library, by the fire, looking through books. He pulled them off the shelves, crawled onto my lap, and flipped the pages, while I explained what we were looking at.
I didn't actually know what we were looking at, because we mostly went through old Time/Life books about nature, so I had to read the picture captions and do my best to sound authoritative. Because he's used to storybooks where all the characters say things, including the animals, he would look at each picture and ask, "What he's saying?" And I'd quickly skim the caption and translate it into something incredibly clever, like, "I'm a lizard. I sit on rocks."
He liked the reptile book so much that he asked to go through it again a couple days later, and kept asking for the "poop picture." Except there was no poop picture. There had been a picture of a snake laying eggs -- could that be what he was talking about? How had I managed to convey that laying eggs was similar to pooping? If I were asked to clear up the confusion right this minute, the best I could do would be to tell him that eggs are white (mostly).
Better leave the science to his dad. If the kid ever decides he needs a melancholy metaphor for the futility of existence, then he can come to Aunt Holly: Work is like pooping. No matter how much you've done, you'll eventually have to do more.
I didn't actually know what we were looking at, because we mostly went through old Time/Life books about nature, so I had to read the picture captions and do my best to sound authoritative. Because he's used to storybooks where all the characters say things, including the animals, he would look at each picture and ask, "What he's saying?" And I'd quickly skim the caption and translate it into something incredibly clever, like, "I'm a lizard. I sit on rocks."
He liked the reptile book so much that he asked to go through it again a couple days later, and kept asking for the "poop picture." Except there was no poop picture. There had been a picture of a snake laying eggs -- could that be what he was talking about? How had I managed to convey that laying eggs was similar to pooping? If I were asked to clear up the confusion right this minute, the best I could do would be to tell him that eggs are white (mostly).
Better leave the science to his dad. If the kid ever decides he needs a melancholy metaphor for the futility of existence, then he can come to Aunt Holly: Work is like pooping. No matter how much you've done, you'll eventually have to do more.
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