So Much to Say, So Little Ability to Organize My Thoughts

When I restarted this blog almost two weeks ago, I had all sorts of stuff that I wanted to process here. And it's still running through my mind. But nearly all the possible topics overlap, and I'm having trouble deciding how to break them down into individual blog posts. Also, much of what I have to work through is negative, which is why I have to work through it. I don't want folks getting all depressed, or worrying about me. And I sure as hell am not looking for advice. So I've been running through a lot of possibilities in my head, but not putting much out there that you can see.

I did buy a notebook and some pencils. That was fun. I really dig pencils and paper. And lists. I like making lists of things. I have a whole little Moleskine filled with them, actually: grocery and toiletry lists, to-do lists, gift ideas, books to look for at the library, accessories I should try to wear before the weather gets too cold. It's really satisfying. Anyway, I thought I could do a lot of the brain work of writing if I had a notebook with me during my breaks at work and while I travel on public transportation. It's helped a bit.

Maybe I need to get a bit meta, because writing this blog raises so many issues in itself. For example, I thought giving some attention to the Writer part of Musician Actress Comedian Writer Princess would relieve some of the pressure that had been building up around the Acting part. But no sooner had I decided that, than the pressure just transferred to Writing. I kind of hate that my mind works this way. Why can't things be fun? I always have such high hopes and standards for the things I care about that these things become burdensome, obligatory, and not fun enough to make the difficulty worthwhile. Ugh.

Being happy is not my strong point. Neither is being content. Or OK with most things about myself, or about my life. That tends to make things harder. I would like to be happy. I'm working on it. There's always some reason to feel guilty: The weight gains I've had after my surgeries, not keeping my apartment clean enough, awkward interactions with people that might be my fault, spending too much time on Facebook. It's always something, and if it weren't that thing, it would be something else. It's one of those issues where being conscious of it doesn't necessarily make it go away; in fact, I'll often then start to get down on myself for allowing myself to feel guilty. I'm pretty brilliant like that.

My hope is that I'll occasionally have a little revelation that makes things easier to handle, and then I can share it here. Until then, I may have blog posts that look like emotional Before pictures.

We work with what we have, right?

Blogging to Know We're Not Alone

     In the movie Shadowlands, the idea that "we read to know we are not alone" was posited to C.S. Lewis by one of his students. Though it's been almost twenty years since I first saw that film, I don't feel like I've ever fully processed this idea, and don't know whether I agree with it fully, partially, or at all. In the last few weeks, though, I've begun to feel a new season of blogging coming on, and I do feel like this is one of the main impetuses (impeti?) behind my urge to post again: not merely to know that I am not alone, but so that other people will know that they aren't, either. 

    I haven't posted in nearly a year-and-a-half, which I probably don't need to tell anyone who has visited this page (and thank you so much for visiting!). I actually had a ton to say over the summer of 2012, because I was in a play for the first time since junior high drama club, which had been about twenty-five years earlier. This was within the first year of my pursuing acting seriously, and it was a starring role in small-scale but professional production. There were two main roles in the play, and I had one of them, so new-to-acting me was carrying half a play. It was scary and exciting and I was experiencing and trying to process a gazillion questions and emotions. But I was so busy doing it that I didn't have time to write coherent posts about it. 

    That's pretty cool for someone like me, actually. Most of my life is internal, so to have so much external activity can be a wonderful change of pace. It wasn't sustainable, though. One of the best parts of the experience was being able to give myself over to it completely, to allow myself to think about the play all day, every day, to the point where I was largely ignoring the rest of my sort-of-grown-up life. I didn't clean my room, and was barely paying bills -- not because I had no money, but because I didn't have room in my brain to think about them. Not only can I not do that all the time, but I don't want to.

    Since then, I've only taken auditions for a couple theater productions and a handful of TV commercials. I was on an acting break (and a Facebook break) while I took an intensive course through my church that involved lots of homework and thinking, and I let my memberships to online resources for auditions lapse. They cost money, and I also didn't need the pressure of constantly asking myself if I really should be taking auditions during that time after all. And then I was looking for an apartment, and moving into that apartment, and there were medical issues...

    Now, with the course and other time-consuming endeavors over, at least for the time being, I'm trying to find a way to balance, on one hand, my ambition and desire to take risks and see how far I can take acting; and on the other, my desire/need for a quiet, contented life where I can simply come home from work and relax, without having to worry about trying to build yet another new career in a scary and often brutal industry.

     This is one of the many issues I'm currently processing, and my introverted nature makes me hesitant to just talk about it to anyone who makes the mistake of beginning to listen. I like this blog because you, my audience, are not captive; you don't have to read if you don't want to, so I don't have to worry about boring you. I hope.

    I also keep daydreaming about public speaking, of sharing my questions and processing with people (and perhaps the occasional revelation), on the off chance that people will be entertained and encouraged by it all. But I have no venue for public speaking, so here I am, once again taking to the written word. That's cool. It says "writer" on my business cards already. In fact, it says Musician, Actress, Comedian, Writer, Princess. So I'm totally allowed. And writing certainly is not second best. I'm quite fond of it.

     I am hesitant to make any promises in terms of how often I'll post or even about content, but I do hope to be honest and, as much as possible, non-boring. Thank you for reading, friends. May you find it worth your trouble.