So, What About Nov. 4?

It came and went. Even if I had the date wrong, and it was really Nov. 6 on which I moved to Maryland, we hit that day today. My circumstances have not changed over the last two days. And the truth is that Nov. 4 is the date that I had set.

The big point of praying a prayer with a date was that I wouldn't be able to let myself or God off the hook. If I'd simply prayed, "Lord, please do this soon," and it didn't happen in six months, or a year, or twenty years, then the fact remained that to God, a thousand years are as a day, so maybe in His eyes we hadn't outrun "soon." But I prayed for changes by Nov. 4. I know when that is.

I also wanted changes that were unquestionable, not open for interpretation. If I continue to take classes and pursue interests outside work, the way I've done for the past 2 1/2 years, does that count as the change? If I've got a guy or two who might like me but hasn't really asked me out yet, does that count as the change? It could, but it wasn't the kind of change I'd asked for. I'm still single and I'm still in the same job. I wanted those things to change.

That's not to say that I don't see God at work, and that I don't believe He's got things going on that I can't see. I do, on both counts. But I wanted to be honest as I blogged this process, whatever happened or didn't happen, and the honest truth is that I didn't see the changes I'd hoped for. Now that I've passed Nov. 4, I don't plan on changing the terms of the prayer retroactively, to try to make things fit. It's entirely possible that I crested some kind of hill on Nov. 4, and that change will happen quickly from here; but that's not what I'd asked for. It's possible that this whole process, with the praying and hoping and blogging, was great for me spiritually and changed me on the inside; but while I did want those internal changes, they are not all I'd asked for.

I'm confident that God can handle His own reputation. He's knows what I prayed. He knows what I blogged. He knows what He's up to. It's not up to me to spin it, or act as His PR rep.

What is up to me is to try to find that balance of honesty and discretion. Being honest is hard, not just because there's a temptation to present a certain kind of story, but because my thoughts and emotions are complicated, and the very act of trying to sort through them, put them into words, and place them in some kind of comprehensible order for people, necessitates some simplification. But I'm trying to simplify honestly :-).

So, the fact is that I didn't see the concrete, undeniable changes in my circumstances that I'd hoped for. But at the same time, the truth is that I'm fine. I'm even fine with the being fine, which had been a point of concern for me. You may remember that I was tired of absorbing disappointment as if it were my lot. I don't feel like I'm doing that here. I feel hopeful for my future, even if I'm back to wanting changes "soon." I do wonder what the whole Nov. 4 thing was about, in God's eyes, and perhaps I'll spend some time asking Him and see what He says. In the meantime, my dreams haven't gone anywhere. I'd still like to go on dates and have fun, and eventually meet the guy who adds so much to my life that I can't not have him. And I still want to spend my days doing work that feels purposeful and enjoyable and suitable to me.

Thanks for sticking with me through the ride.

May the 4th Be With You

Less than a month till I hit November 4th, the tenth anniversary (or thereabouts) of the day I moved to Maryland, and the day by which I prayed God would bring long-awaited changes in both the career and romance departments. So far, I've mostly had lots of roommate drama and upheaval instead.

There were times where I'd get anxious, knowing that the date was drawing nigh. I didn't think that was quite how God meant me to feel, but I didn't want to be complacent, either. One of the big reasons I prayed a prayer with a date on it was so that I couldn't let God or myself off the hook. I wasn't just tired of waiting and disappointment; I was tired of being OK with the disappointment. And being anxious was a way of proving that my heart was still invested.

The other end of the spectrum -- resignation -- didn't seem like the right feeling, either. I wasn't sure how not to feel one or the other, anxiety or resignation. What other option was there?

I'm feeling all right today, though. Hopeful, but not desperate. Like things could still happen, and that even if they don't, there's a way to be OK without simply absorbing disappointment as the norm. God must have gotten me here, this feeling-fine place, because I wouldn't have known where it was or how to find it. And I don't know if it will last. But I'll take it.

I could hit Nov. 4 and feel awful or feel nothing, neither of which is very appealing. But right now there are still 3 1/2 weeks, and because I don't know what will happen, I shouldn't be planning my feelings prematurely. So I'll go with the Feeling OK as long as it lasts. And that side dish of hopefulness ain't bad, either.