The Pursuit of Happiness

I want to be happy. I've decided.

That was my big revelation today. I went back to get prayer at church, because I'm a prayer junkie, and the woman who prayed for me brought up the question our pastor asks each year during Lent, when our church does what we call "40 Days of Faith." During these 40 days, we ask God for something we want that only He can give. But we're supposed to ask ourselves, first, "What do I want?" And then, "What do I really want?" The idea is that there's usually a deeper desire that underlies our surface desire. For example, perhaps on the surface I want a high-paying job, but perhaps the desire(s) beneath that are for fulfillment, purpose, stability, and security. Or, if my surface desire is for marriage, then perhaps the underlying desire is for fulfilling and satisfying human relationship. Or maybe not. Maybe I just want a job and a man. The point is that it's worth asking, especially since God wants to give us not just what we think we want, but what we really need. It also helps us recognize answers to prayer when they come, because we have less of a preconceived notion of what those answers have to look like.

So anyway, I went back for prayer, because I want a lot of stuff. I haven't posted a ton since my unemployment began in September, despite having (in theory) more time for stuff like writing. But I'm pretty sure I've mentioned that I am unemployed, and am thus in transition. I've also mentioned bits about the boyfriend debacle. So, as you can imagine, I'm on the lookout for things resembling careers and relationships. Holly want. Then the woman praying for me brought up the question, "What do you really want?" and immediately I thought simply, "I want to be happy." Then I dismissed that response as too simplistic, obvious, not specific enough to count as a prayer, and so common to mankind that it's like saying, "I want air to breathe." (I'm good at dismissing my own thoughts and feelings; maybe that's one reason why I don't currently consider myself happy.)

But later, I thought maybe happiness is not only a valid desire and a valid prayer request, but its simplicity is part of what's good about it. And, come to think of it, if you were lacking something as basic as air, that would probably be an excellent thing to pray for. I've actually been thinking a lot about air and breathing lately, because I've had a cold, and it makes it hard to sleep. Sometimes I wake up, not getting as much air as easily as I'd like, and I'll think of a couple kids I once saw on TV. I was watching the Iron Man race, and one woman was racing to raise awareness of cystic fibrosis, which both her children had. They described it as feeling like you always had to breathe through a straw. And that sounds like utter torture. Even sleep doesn't give you a break from that. How do you not go insane? I hate even imagining how awful that must be. In that situation, praying for air makes perfect sense.

So maybe praying for happiness isn't stupid. And maybe I don't need to get all particular the way I have in the past, asking for God to "increase my capacity for joy" or to "help me live in the moment." I'm just going to ask for happiness, however that comes, in whatever form it takes. Because wouldn't that make everything else easier? If I had a little job that wasn't great but didn't suck, but I was happy, then I'd still be happy. If I was pretty much paying my bills but didn't have much disposable income, but I was happy, then I'd still be happy. If I stay single but am happy, then I'll still be happy. It's like there's a pattern there or something.

I'm not talking about letting go of dreams or ambition. I'm not talking about settling or giving up or complacency. I'm just talking about being happy.

Holly want.

So, What About Nov. 4?

It came and went. Even if I had the date wrong, and it was really Nov. 6 on which I moved to Maryland, we hit that day today. My circumstances have not changed over the last two days. And the truth is that Nov. 4 is the date that I had set.

The big point of praying a prayer with a date was that I wouldn't be able to let myself or God off the hook. If I'd simply prayed, "Lord, please do this soon," and it didn't happen in six months, or a year, or twenty years, then the fact remained that to God, a thousand years are as a day, so maybe in His eyes we hadn't outrun "soon." But I prayed for changes by Nov. 4. I know when that is.

I also wanted changes that were unquestionable, not open for interpretation. If I continue to take classes and pursue interests outside work, the way I've done for the past 2 1/2 years, does that count as the change? If I've got a guy or two who might like me but hasn't really asked me out yet, does that count as the change? It could, but it wasn't the kind of change I'd asked for. I'm still single and I'm still in the same job. I wanted those things to change.

That's not to say that I don't see God at work, and that I don't believe He's got things going on that I can't see. I do, on both counts. But I wanted to be honest as I blogged this process, whatever happened or didn't happen, and the honest truth is that I didn't see the changes I'd hoped for. Now that I've passed Nov. 4, I don't plan on changing the terms of the prayer retroactively, to try to make things fit. It's entirely possible that I crested some kind of hill on Nov. 4, and that change will happen quickly from here; but that's not what I'd asked for. It's possible that this whole process, with the praying and hoping and blogging, was great for me spiritually and changed me on the inside; but while I did want those internal changes, they are not all I'd asked for.

I'm confident that God can handle His own reputation. He's knows what I prayed. He knows what I blogged. He knows what He's up to. It's not up to me to spin it, or act as His PR rep.

What is up to me is to try to find that balance of honesty and discretion. Being honest is hard, not just because there's a temptation to present a certain kind of story, but because my thoughts and emotions are complicated, and the very act of trying to sort through them, put them into words, and place them in some kind of comprehensible order for people, necessitates some simplification. But I'm trying to simplify honestly :-).

So, the fact is that I didn't see the concrete, undeniable changes in my circumstances that I'd hoped for. But at the same time, the truth is that I'm fine. I'm even fine with the being fine, which had been a point of concern for me. You may remember that I was tired of absorbing disappointment as if it were my lot. I don't feel like I'm doing that here. I feel hopeful for my future, even if I'm back to wanting changes "soon." I do wonder what the whole Nov. 4 thing was about, in God's eyes, and perhaps I'll spend some time asking Him and see what He says. In the meantime, my dreams haven't gone anywhere. I'd still like to go on dates and have fun, and eventually meet the guy who adds so much to my life that I can't not have him. And I still want to spend my days doing work that feels purposeful and enjoyable and suitable to me.

Thanks for sticking with me through the ride.

May the 4th Be With You

Less than a month till I hit November 4th, the tenth anniversary (or thereabouts) of the day I moved to Maryland, and the day by which I prayed God would bring long-awaited changes in both the career and romance departments. So far, I've mostly had lots of roommate drama and upheaval instead.

There were times where I'd get anxious, knowing that the date was drawing nigh. I didn't think that was quite how God meant me to feel, but I didn't want to be complacent, either. One of the big reasons I prayed a prayer with a date on it was so that I couldn't let God or myself off the hook. I wasn't just tired of waiting and disappointment; I was tired of being OK with the disappointment. And being anxious was a way of proving that my heart was still invested.

The other end of the spectrum -- resignation -- didn't seem like the right feeling, either. I wasn't sure how not to feel one or the other, anxiety or resignation. What other option was there?

I'm feeling all right today, though. Hopeful, but not desperate. Like things could still happen, and that even if they don't, there's a way to be OK without simply absorbing disappointment as the norm. God must have gotten me here, this feeling-fine place, because I wouldn't have known where it was or how to find it. And I don't know if it will last. But I'll take it.

I could hit Nov. 4 and feel awful or feel nothing, neither of which is very appealing. But right now there are still 3 1/2 weeks, and because I don't know what will happen, I shouldn't be planning my feelings prematurely. So I'll go with the Feeling OK as long as it lasts. And that side dish of hopefulness ain't bad, either.

Serious Comedy

I've been taking a class on writing comedy sketches -- the short bits you see on shows like Saturday Night Live. It's a fair bit of work, and I'm always tense about getting my homework done, until I finally have it ready to email in. But there are upsides. Today's upside is that I got to have the following thought while revising: I kept the sister faking her death and the seeing-eye turtle.

Man, if I ever have a job where creative decisions sound like that, that will be the answer to countless prayers.