The First Day of the Rest of My Life

Der Boyfriend and I didn't even last another two weeks from that last post. I probably shouldn't get into it too much here, because it involves another person and I doubt he wants me telling the world about it (as if the whole world reads my blog). But it was sad. And I was sad.

I was cheered up a few days later, though, when a coworker and I were called into a meeting and were given a speech about reorganization and handed severance packets. Ha ha! Freedom presents itself! There were other related positions we could apply for, but I didn't even need a full day to consider that. It's one thing to quit without anything else to go to. It's another to be told that your job won't exist in 10 days and there's some severance waiting for you. The cage door was unlatched. I wasn't going to keep sitting there just because I didn't know what was on the other side of the door, saying, "Well, maybe they'll gild it for me!"

I've said it a bazillion times, and I'll say it again: While my bosses and most of my colleagues were great, I hated the work. Hated it. I didn't used to hate it. It used to be neutral. But it hadn't been neutral for about 18 months. They kept training me to do more stuff, giving me more responsibility, and wanting me to think. I'm not opposed to these things in principle, but this was not the setting that suited me. It was not "my kind of hard." These were not the challenges I was born to tackle. These things were challenging precisely because I don't like functioning that way.

Yesterday was my last day on the job. Today, I slept in, ate two breakfasts, and took a nap. That might sound like an inauspicious beginning to the next stage of my life, but I think it's going to be important for me to allow myself some downtime, and if I'm not allowed to laze around on my first day of unemployment, then when the hell am I allowed to do it?

I have a few ideas about what this season will look like, actually. I think it's finally my chance to see this whole Musician Actress Comedian Writer Princess thing get off the ground. I don't quite know how to get there, so I'll be trying to listen closely to God, and see what ideas inspire me. It's going to be about finding things I like to do, not just slaving away because I have to and hating my life forever. 

I don't know if it looks like it from the outside or not, but I have an over-developed sense of responsibility. You get a job. You make money. You don't live off the system or mooch off your family and friends. OK, that's not over-developed; that's just being an adult. But it is overdeveloped if you never take a chance and you never pursue your real dreams because responsibility defines your life to the point where you take no risks. I'm at the point where it feels like a bigger, more unreasonable risk to never try to find something that I will enjoy. I may as well do it while I have no one else depending on me.

So, we'll see what comes of the next 3-4 months. If nothing else, I'll at least have more time for blogging, right ;-)?