Funemployment

Unemployment has pretty much rocked so far.

Not to oversimplify it or anything. but it has. I don't assume that this is the case for everyone -- I know it's usually a stressful, and often a devastating, time. But I feel like I've been spoiled, and I want to acknowledge that gift.

Of course, all this is easy to say, because the money hasn't run out (yet). As I began this season, I felt like my main task was not to worry, and that's been pretty easy to maintain, but I readily admit that that could have been different if I hadn't had severance and unemployment benefits. And I don't have any dependents. Really, if you're going to be out of a job, you probably can't have it much easier than I have. I get that.

Now, disclaimers aside, I want to talk about some of the things that have been cool about this season. I've talked a lot on this blog about things I want and don't have yet, and ways I've been unhappy, so I feel I'd be grossly remiss if I didn't talk about this great thing that has come my way. Here's a list of some ways in which this season of unemployment has been sweet:

1. I'm well rested. Duh, right? It's not always easy, letting myself veer towards my naturally nocturnal habits without completely reversing my circadian rhythm and staying up all night and sleeping all day, and I'll admit I'm often unhappy with myself if I sleep past what I consider "a decent hour," but it is great getting as much sleep as my mind and body need. Tiredness is icky -- we get cranky, it's hard to concentrate and pay attention, our immune systems get weaker, and our brains have less "alone time" to sort through stuff. And I've had the luxury of not having to be tired all the time, and resting/sleeping when I am. And I haven't had that horrible feeling I used to get, where I'd dread going to bed because then I'd only be a sleep away from getting up and going to a job I hated.

2. I'm unstuck. This is a biggie. I felt really stuck in my old job. I didn't want to leave without having something else to go to, because I remembered when things were tight financially and thought that would be just as stressful as doing work I hated. And I didn't know what that "something else" would be. I couldn't really think of another day job that I would hate less. I've had quite a variety of day jobs now, and thought I could turn a couple of them into careers, but I keep veering back to wanting to be a performer of some kind, and that work is hard to find. I also didn't have much formal training or experience in things like acting, which is what I wanted to do. By the end of my old job, though, I was praying every day that God would get me out of there (which was probably my way of saying, "Please give me something better to go to, because I don't know what that would be!"). Well, He didn't exactly provide a dream job as a new landing space, but He did give me severance and unemployment benefits, which were quite a nice parachute. Good enough. And since I took that little leap, I've felt unstuck. I may not know exactly where I'm going to land next, but, at least for now, the freedom feels like freedom, rather than poop-my-pants scary.

3. I've had the luxury of figuring out what I like and pursuing it, without the burden of supporting myself (for a while). From what I've been able to determine, the way to find paying acting work is to get any acting work, even if it doesn't pay, and use it to build your resume (sorry, I'm not sure how to put accents over the E letters in Blogger) and, if you can get copies of the films from the (mostly) students who are making them, put together what they call a "reel" -- a sort of video portfolio full of clips of your work, to demonstrate that you can actually act. I've been able to put lots of time into that, without having to freak out about when the paying work will come and cover my bills. Very nice.

4. I feel like I've gotten a sabbatical. For quite a while before I got laid off, I would find myself wishing for a summer vacation or other extended period of time when I could just lie on my bed and stare at the wall and daydream for weeks, or even months, on end. And now I have it! I've always been a daydreamer, and the better I get to know myself, the more I realize that this isn't a waste of time or a distraction; it's how I learn what's important to me, how I practice life skills, how I pray, and now that I'm an actress, it's how I (often without realizing it) rehearse and prepare. It's part of what makes me a writer, too, I'd wager.

5. I've been working out a lot, and liking it. Perhaps you've had the experience where, once you get into the habit of working out, you like it; it's when you haven't done it in a while that it seems onerous. Well, I've had the time to do it regularly, which means I get to enjoy it pretty steadily. So I'm well rested and well exercised, and thus probably hotter. Oh, who am I kidding? Like it was possible for me to get hotter than I already was.

6. It's easier to be happy when you don't hate 8 hours of your day, then take the stress home with you. In addition to feeling un-stuck, I just don't have to deal with the old job anymore. Sure, they had cookies, but my cupboard has chocolate bars, so that's a wash.

7. I love chilling out at home. Garrison Keillor has described himself as an "avid indoorsman." I'm that. I like lounging around, reading, being on the Internet, lighting candles and listening to music, watching DVDs, stuff like that. I've managed to remain fairly active over the last several months, but I ain't gonna lie -- I've also watched and read a lot. A lot.

I bet there are more items that aren't coming to mind at the moment, but it's now quite late and I want to post this puppy, with the stipulation that I may add to the list in future posts.

And, for what it's worth, I'm not trying to make anybody jealous or anything. But this is the first time in I-don't-know-how-long that I envy my own life, in a way. I look at it and it looks good to me. It's not a situation that is indefinitely sustainable -- I'll have to earn money on my own eventually -- but for a temporary, transitional season, it rocks like a geology seminar. (Was that a bad joke? It's so late...)

The Pursuit of Happiness

I want to be happy. I've decided.

That was my big revelation today. I went back to get prayer at church, because I'm a prayer junkie, and the woman who prayed for me brought up the question our pastor asks each year during Lent, when our church does what we call "40 Days of Faith." During these 40 days, we ask God for something we want that only He can give. But we're supposed to ask ourselves, first, "What do I want?" And then, "What do I really want?" The idea is that there's usually a deeper desire that underlies our surface desire. For example, perhaps on the surface I want a high-paying job, but perhaps the desire(s) beneath that are for fulfillment, purpose, stability, and security. Or, if my surface desire is for marriage, then perhaps the underlying desire is for fulfilling and satisfying human relationship. Or maybe not. Maybe I just want a job and a man. The point is that it's worth asking, especially since God wants to give us not just what we think we want, but what we really need. It also helps us recognize answers to prayer when they come, because we have less of a preconceived notion of what those answers have to look like.

So anyway, I went back for prayer, because I want a lot of stuff. I haven't posted a ton since my unemployment began in September, despite having (in theory) more time for stuff like writing. But I'm pretty sure I've mentioned that I am unemployed, and am thus in transition. I've also mentioned bits about the boyfriend debacle. So, as you can imagine, I'm on the lookout for things resembling careers and relationships. Holly want. Then the woman praying for me brought up the question, "What do you really want?" and immediately I thought simply, "I want to be happy." Then I dismissed that response as too simplistic, obvious, not specific enough to count as a prayer, and so common to mankind that it's like saying, "I want air to breathe." (I'm good at dismissing my own thoughts and feelings; maybe that's one reason why I don't currently consider myself happy.)

But later, I thought maybe happiness is not only a valid desire and a valid prayer request, but its simplicity is part of what's good about it. And, come to think of it, if you were lacking something as basic as air, that would probably be an excellent thing to pray for. I've actually been thinking a lot about air and breathing lately, because I've had a cold, and it makes it hard to sleep. Sometimes I wake up, not getting as much air as easily as I'd like, and I'll think of a couple kids I once saw on TV. I was watching the Iron Man race, and one woman was racing to raise awareness of cystic fibrosis, which both her children had. They described it as feeling like you always had to breathe through a straw. And that sounds like utter torture. Even sleep doesn't give you a break from that. How do you not go insane? I hate even imagining how awful that must be. In that situation, praying for air makes perfect sense.

So maybe praying for happiness isn't stupid. And maybe I don't need to get all particular the way I have in the past, asking for God to "increase my capacity for joy" or to "help me live in the moment." I'm just going to ask for happiness, however that comes, in whatever form it takes. Because wouldn't that make everything else easier? If I had a little job that wasn't great but didn't suck, but I was happy, then I'd still be happy. If I was pretty much paying my bills but didn't have much disposable income, but I was happy, then I'd still be happy. If I stay single but am happy, then I'll still be happy. It's like there's a pattern there or something.

I'm not talking about letting go of dreams or ambition. I'm not talking about settling or giving up or complacency. I'm just talking about being happy.

Holly want.

Rohan's To-Do List

I am dogsitting for a Treeing Tennessee Brindle named Rohan while his people parents (two of my former roommates) are on their honeymoon. Here, as far as I can tell, is his list of goals during his stay with me, along with some notes he's made to himself:

To Do
-- Pull Holly down the stairs, thus giving her the gift of flight. She can thank you later.
-- Eat all of her roommate's Oreos -- done!
-- Go through the garbage daily. Spread it around the floor for easier tearing and chewing.
-- Reclaim former bedroom, despite the fact that there's a new roommate living there. He'll understand.

Personal Standards
Stay as dirty as possible. When at the dog park, play until fur is wet and spiky with the slobber of other dogs. Then run so as to kick up dirt that can stick to the slobber. Roll around if needed. For full paw coverage, seek out mud puddles. Run through them multiple times -- don't cut corners!


Human Training
NB: There's a reason why The Man is called "The Man" -- he's human and he's trying to keep a dog down. Fight the power!
-- People should be taking you outside as much as possible. If Holly won't do it, one of the guys will. Whine until someone caves.
-- Pull as hard on the leash as possible. Holly needs to learn to keep up. Don't relent. Remember: You are the boss!
-- Stinginess is considered an undesirable trait in human beings, but they will try to get away with it anyway, especially when it comes to food. By rights, food is yours if you can get to it. If a human is eating it, position yourself strategically and make Sad Eyes. Practice in a mirror if necessary.
-- Furniture is yours. Don't buy into the lie that you can't be anywhere you don't want to be. Extra credit: Weasel way onto Holly's bed, dirty paws and all. Don't be afraid to use the Sad Eyes. She can't resist forever.

Pretty/Not Pretty

It's astounding how much of a difference it makes when I feel pretty in a given situation. It's the difference between coming from a place of abundance or a place of lack. It might sound really superficial, but it's something I've observed in myself, and when I mention it to other women, they know what I'm talking about.


I spent a lot of money on my bridesmaid dress for my friend's upcoming wedding. And then I spent more to get it fitted. But I love how it looks on me, and how I look in it. Both times that I've left the bridal shop after working with the seamstress, I've been really psyched. The responsible part of me feels foolish for spending that kind of money when, technically, I'm unemployed. And the socially conscious part of me doesn't know how to reconcile that kind of spending with the fact that I haven't donated a similar amount to help the hungry and the suffering. But it's also true that feeling beautiful and confident leaves me feeling more gracious and generous toward the world.

I enjoy situations more when I feel like I look good in the midst of them. It's easier to talk to people and care about them and be interested in them during the conversation, because I don't feel such a need to get compliments and be built up by them. I'm better able to enjoy the beauty of nature or some pleasant surroundings because I don't feel like I'm a smudge on an otherwise lovely picture.

Those who've known me for a while know that it took a long time for me to learn to appreciate my own appearance, and to play it up rather than downplay it. I spent most of my life assuming -- no, convinced -- that I was ugly. And it wasn't really because I had people telling me I was ugly, although I imagine there are very, very few people who make it to adulthood without receiving at least a few insults about their appearance. I just didn't get much attention for my appearance one way or the other, and my mind filled the void with negative thoughts. That's all it took, really: A void for my mind to fill, and I lived the life of an Ugly Girl.

I read an article several months ago by a woman who suggested that we not immediately compliment girls on their looks when we see them, because it teaches them that that's the first (or, worse, the only) thing people notice about them. Now, I'd agree that it's important to make sure a girl knows that every aspect of her personhood is valuable and appreciated -- her intellect, her character, her personality, her potential -- but I'd take a different approach to the beauty issue. If my experience is anything to go by, girls are going to care about appearances eventually, whether it's part of their nature or because the rest of our culture cares. Maybe it's hardwired in humanity and we can't avoid it; I don't know. What I do know is that when I was told not to worry about appearances, what I heard was, "You don't have that going for you, so you should learn to be happy some other way." It didn't work. Why leave a void where compliments could go? I believe that every girl and every woman has beauty, and that she should know it. Go ahead and appreciate every aspect of who she is, and help her to appreciate it, too, but please include her beauty. What could be the harm in helping a girl to feel smart and beautiful? Knowing that I can pull off a tight, strapless gown certainly doesn't lessen my confidence in my intellect.

My point is that it doesn't have to be either/or, praising a girl for the internal or the external. It can be both. Having both in place certainly makes a huge difference to me.

How I've Been Acting So Far

Unemployment doesn't really feel like unemployment at this point. I've been responding to lots of ads for (mostly unpaid) acting work, and have taken several auditions and even shot a few amateur and student films. Most stuff happens within the span of a few days -- my week will look wide open on Monday, and by the end of Sunday I'll have had multiple auditions and shoots. It's giving me some much-needed experience, and will also help pad my resume and give me material for a reel (which is a series of video clips of the work you've done).

There was one week in there where I felt pretty good about how my new career was going. At my first couple auditions, I got a really positive response. By the third one, however, it had occurred to me that maybe the people I was auditioning for were just nice, and they were saying, "Awesome, awesome!" to lots of people. It's hard to tell. When I do get a part, is it because I didn't have much competition? When I don't get a part, is it because someone else just had the look the producers wanted, and it's not related to my skill level? There's no way to know. And there's no straight edge against which to measure myself. It's even more subjective than music, which is saying something. When I was a musician, I at least knew if I'd played what was on the page accurately. But acting feels much harder to pin down, at least to me. One person's idea of camp might  be someone else's idea of overacting. One person's idea of subtle understatement might  be someone else's idea of woodenness. 


Anyway, I'm out there. I don't have final, edited footage to show you guys yet, but hopefully that will start rolling in soon.


Another next step is to get professional headshots. I have a decent photo that I've been sending out, but it's clearly not a pro shot, and it makes a big difference when you have that, regardless of how good a likeness or how flattering the photo I have now is. It's like being good-looking, but showing up to an interview in shabby clothes; presentation is a big part of the impression you make. Once I have a pro shot, I'll start looking for paying work. A lot of big films shoot in Boston, so I may be able to get work as an extra. That's not a ton of money, but it would be moving in the right direction, and would pay as much as my unemployment benefits. And I hear they feed you!


So, that's my life over the past couple weeks. I'm trying not to worry too much about the future, because this is one of the few times in my life where I have the luxury of making decisions without fear. It's my chance to practice finding things I like, and not wasting energy on things I don't. Here's hoping I find lots of stuff to like!

Israelite in the Desert. And Flossing

I am an Israelite in the Desert. You may have caught that from the title. Here's what I mean:

The Israelites were in a bad situation that they didn't like (slavery in Egypt -- I doubt I'd like it, either). God got them out of there, and they were headed toward a land that would be great. But they had to go through the desert to get there. God hadn't given them a map, or even paved roads, but He went before them in a way that they could see and follow -- a pillar of cloud during the day, and a pillar of fire during the night. And he provided manna, a bread-like substance that appeared like dew every morning, but would only last for that day, so you had to collect it each day and couldn't stockpile it.

That's me. I didn't want to be in my day job, and God got me out. I have an idea of where I want to go (Musician Actress Comedian Writer Princessdom), but not much of an idea of how to get there. God hasn't given me a map, so I have to check in each day and see what inspires me and what opportunities present themselves.

Eventually, the Israelites got tired of wandering and started grumbling that they would have been better off if they'd stayed in Egypt. I'm not there yet. I can imagine, though, that if I get towards the end of my severance and still don't see a land of milk and honey on the horizon, I may begin to ponder what kind of new day job I might hate the least.   


But like I said, I'm not there yet. I really, really hated my job, and most of the other jobs I've had, and am in no hurry to have another. I'm not opposed to work itself; I just want to find something that doesn't make me hate my life.


In the meantime, I have days to fill that don't have much outside structure. That's interesting. I'm keeping a list of what I do each day, to prove that I did, in fact, do stuff. I have time to do workout videos, floss regularly, and get enough sleep. And I've been looking for activities that I think I would actually enjoy, mostly acting-related. 


Nope, definitely don't miss the job.

The First Day of the Rest of My Life

Der Boyfriend and I didn't even last another two weeks from that last post. I probably shouldn't get into it too much here, because it involves another person and I doubt he wants me telling the world about it (as if the whole world reads my blog). But it was sad. And I was sad.

I was cheered up a few days later, though, when a coworker and I were called into a meeting and were given a speech about reorganization and handed severance packets. Ha ha! Freedom presents itself! There were other related positions we could apply for, but I didn't even need a full day to consider that. It's one thing to quit without anything else to go to. It's another to be told that your job won't exist in 10 days and there's some severance waiting for you. The cage door was unlatched. I wasn't going to keep sitting there just because I didn't know what was on the other side of the door, saying, "Well, maybe they'll gild it for me!"

I've said it a bazillion times, and I'll say it again: While my bosses and most of my colleagues were great, I hated the work. Hated it. I didn't used to hate it. It used to be neutral. But it hadn't been neutral for about 18 months. They kept training me to do more stuff, giving me more responsibility, and wanting me to think. I'm not opposed to these things in principle, but this was not the setting that suited me. It was not "my kind of hard." These were not the challenges I was born to tackle. These things were challenging precisely because I don't like functioning that way.

Yesterday was my last day on the job. Today, I slept in, ate two breakfasts, and took a nap. That might sound like an inauspicious beginning to the next stage of my life, but I think it's going to be important for me to allow myself some downtime, and if I'm not allowed to laze around on my first day of unemployment, then when the hell am I allowed to do it?

I have a few ideas about what this season will look like, actually. I think it's finally my chance to see this whole Musician Actress Comedian Writer Princess thing get off the ground. I don't quite know how to get there, so I'll be trying to listen closely to God, and see what ideas inspire me. It's going to be about finding things I like to do, not just slaving away because I have to and hating my life forever. 

I don't know if it looks like it from the outside or not, but I have an over-developed sense of responsibility. You get a job. You make money. You don't live off the system or mooch off your family and friends. OK, that's not over-developed; that's just being an adult. But it is overdeveloped if you never take a chance and you never pursue your real dreams because responsibility defines your life to the point where you take no risks. I'm at the point where it feels like a bigger, more unreasonable risk to never try to find something that I will enjoy. I may as well do it while I have no one else depending on me.

So, we'll see what comes of the next 3-4 months. If nothing else, I'll at least have more time for blogging, right ;-)?

Der Boyfriend

Hi Guys,

You may have noticed my absence over the last two months. At least, I kind of hope you have. I seem to have entered another season where I just don't have much impulse to write. As you know if you've read many of my posts, I'm trying to pay attention to what I want to do, and not force myself into a lot of "shoulds." So, I'll be riding out the no-posting wave. This is no reflection on you, my dear readers, who are cute and cuddly :-).

As you know, I don't do a ton of dating. When I do, I don't post about it here, because that just seems like a risky way to handle new relationships. However, I do seem to have landed myself in a situation that's lasted more than a few dates, and it is taking up some of my time and energy. I'm not quite ready to write about it here, but it does account for a lot of the time I spend away from Blogger. The lucky fellow is a German mad scientist who says things like, "I made clear to him the error of his ways." Who wouldn't want to hang around while somebody says stuff like that in a German accent?

So, that's at least part of what I'm up to. Just enough to tease you with, right ;-)?

A Thing I'm Supposed to Like but Don't

My roommate and her fiance are often up and out of the house on Saturdays before I even get out of bed. For the record, I'm often awake for hours before I get out of bed. I like to lie there, daydream, read, check Facebook. I might grab some breakfast and take it back to bed so I can eat it there. But I'm in bed, or at least on it. I'm lying on my bed right now.

I think they go hiking. Or to the Boston Harbor Islands. Or somewhere outdoors where they can take her dog.

I hate hiking. The thought of getting myself up early on a Saturday morning to do it is unpleasant. Hiking is so effortful. Synonyms: Trudging, slogging, death-marching. Why go to the woods just so you can walk through them so quickly and with imaginary purpose that you have to spend all your time looking at your feet to avoid tripping? I'd rather stroll. I'll stroll anywhere. Or mosey. Or amble. Or -- Oooo! -- meander.

I'll happily walk for miles, as long as we're not in a hurry.

And as long as you don't try to drag me out of bed early to do it, as if it's my job. I have a job, and I don't like that, either.

Tantrum

I don't wanna go to work tomorrow.

I didn't wanna go to work today. I was planning on it, but I honestly have a cold and didn't want to cough all over the office kitchenette. So I called in sick for non-psychosomatic reasons, and will now have an even bigger pile of work to tackle in the morning.

I don't wanna go.

I'm feeling sorry for myself. Having Sundays where I start to get bummed because the next day means going to work. Not wanting to go to sleep at night because that brings morning faster and morning means having to go to work.

Ugh. Sometimes it just weighs on a body, you know?

I feel bad complaining, because I have friends who don't have steady jobs. At the same time, if "Other people don't have jobs" is your best reason for not complaining, perhaps it's not wrong to hope for something better.

Post-Op Shoe!

My roommate had to take a picture with her camera, upload it to her Mac, then email it to me to I could save it from there. Everything is stupid. But we now have a picture for you, ladies and gents! Don't even talk about how it's sideways; we're lucky I got this up without tearing my laptop in half with my bare hands. Note the cute pearl-colored toenail polish. This is cute, and not a sign of some horrible fungus.

I AM Too Stupid to Use the Camera

I took pictures.

I hooked the camera up to the computer.

After a couple tries, I saw the pictures I took on the computer.

And now they are gone.

I hate cameras. I hate computers. I hate technology. I hate software. I hate that everything is stupid.

Fuckity fuck fuck fuck.

Hate hate hate hate.

Technology ruined a perfectly good injury.

My Brush with Death

Last night, outside the door of my comedy partner Ben, I discovered a rusty nail. I discovered it by stepping on it with my boot, and placing my weight on it so that it went straight through the sole of my boot and into my foot.

This was not intentional. I'm not stupid. Though my powers of observation could probably use some improvement. And in my defense, it was right in front of the door. Where people's feet go.

For those wondering how a nail might place itself perpendicular to the ground so as to be dangerous to people feet: It was one of two nails protruding from a thin piece of wood that had come loose from a table that was sitting on the porch. One table's relaxation on a late spring evening equals one tetanus hazard for me.

I live a very low-drama life, so I'm slow to assume that anything truly bad will come of accidents like this. Apart from a dime-sized spot of blood on my sock -- and I was surprised there was even that much -- things looked fine. So it's good that Ben decided to act concerned, or I probably would have spent the next week running around, pumping infection and tetanus through my body. If I'd gotten dead from stepping on a nail, I would have felt really dumb. Worst. Obituary. Ever:

Holly died last week because she wasn't looking where she was going. Between stepping on a rake and slipping on a banana peel, she impaled her foot on a rusty nail. This is what all the grown-ups warn you about, kids. Let it be a lesson to all. Need we even mention that she was not up to date on her tetanus shots? Always get your shots, kids. She didn't live to get any of her comedy sketches on the Internet, but she'll live forever in a grainy movie they show to second graders about the dangers of running around vacant lots barefoot. Take heed.

Ben went online to see if he could find out what the odds were that I would die. The general electronic consensus was that I should get a shot. I thought that the fact that the nail went through my boot, leaving an orange rust dot on the sole, meant that maybe the boot had wiped off some of the rust and tetanus and ickiness before it got to my foot. But when I called the 24/7 nurse help line on my health insurance card, she said the opposite was true: Outdoor footwear has lots of nastiness on the bottom, and the nail could have picked it up and put it in my foot. Swell. And perhaps eventually, swollen.

So Ben called the person with the most encyclopedic knowledge of health problems that he knows: His girlfriend Jeannine. She was also concerned. And she has a car, which she drove from half an hour away to come pick us up and take us to a hospital. She also knows all the hospitals in the area. Somehow, walking 45 minutes to the nearest hospital, possibly pumping toxins from my foot to the rest of my body, seemed stupid. And I'm not stupid, as I've already stated. But I think it bears repeating.

And that's how we spent our evening in the emergency room. The staff there was remarkably friendly, to the point where it felt like everyone, male and female, was flirting with me. Or maybe that was the effect of the caffeine-laden headache pills I'd taken earlier that day. I had a whole crowd of medical professionals around me, explaining what they were going to do. They asked if I minded all the attention, and I wanted to say, "Are you kidding? I'm a comedian. I fantasize about these situations. Now hand me a seltzer bottle and a rubber chicken and let me get to work making you laugh before I die." But they were the ones who got to work. Because the puncture wound was so small, they were going to give me a couple injections of Novocain, then open the wound up and clean it out. I asked if I could get a tetanus shot, too, because apparently I was in the mood for needles. Maybe I am stupid.

One of the doctors was noticeably cute. Though he wore clogs, and they were shiny, which made me think he might be gay. Rats. Because that's obviously the only thing that would stop him from hitting on me, his patient, whose stinky foot was in his face.

After I was all cleaned up and shot up and bandaged, I put my dirty bloody sock back on. They thought that wasn't the best idea, even though I promise I'm not stupid. They gave me a "post-op shoe." Maybe I can take a picture of it for you. Hang on a sec.

...OK, my camera is dead, so that's charging. I'll see if I can get back to you on that.

After the emergency room, Jeannine knew of a 24-hour pharmacy where I could get my prescription for Cipro filled. Cipro: That's what they give you for Anthrax, too. Cool! I'm supposed to pop those pills, and soak my foot three times a day. I think, in layman's terms, that means I'm supposed to sit around and watch DVDs this weekend. Doctor's orders.

So, that was my brush with death. I'll try and get a picture of the shoe up at some point. Unless I'm too stupid to work my camera.

This Is Why I Can't Have Nice Things

Because they throw other things into stark relief.

How's that for glass-half-empty thinking?

I enjoyed shooting this web series. I want to do more things like this. But when I got home in the evenings, I was bored. I'm almost never bored at home, because I like sitting around the house and watching TV. But it wasn't enough after doing something that was both challenging and satisfying, even if I felt like I could have done better. TV wasn't hacking it after that.

And neither is work. I mean, it's not bad. I've certainly had worse. But Tuesday was rough. I spent a weekend acting and then hanging with friends, and then I had to come to a job that made me think about logistics and solve problems and understand boring stuff? Blergh.

Also, two of my friends got engaged (to each other) on Monday night. That's great, in a non-sarcastic way. I don't necessarily have trouble being happy for other people. It's just that watching things happen in other people's lives makes mine look even slower in comparison, like being passed on the highway.

So, things are as fine as they were two weeks ago. But when a fun thing comes my way, it's like getting a bite of food and realizing how hungry I am.

Now my tummy's all growly.

So Far, So Fun

It was fun.

Hee hee!

The whole time we were shooting, I was there. I wasn't daydreaming about being anywhere else.

And the kiss? Didn't happen. There was another scene that involved a peck or two, but the other actor, the director, and I choreographed The Big One so that people couldn't see our faces. I just waved my arms around instead. Rock on.

We have another weekend of shooting to go. I'm looking forward to it. How often do you hear me say that?

Next step: Superstardom. Or perhaps just being even more distracted at work. Who knew that was even possible?

My Poor Nerves

Yesterday, I thought I was getting sick. I determined to take today off, so I'd have time to recover before my big weekend. I did call in sick, but as I type this at home, I feel fine, and I suspect I didn't have an illness at all: I was just nervous about last night's rehearsal for this weekend's film shoot.

Yeah, that's right, film shoot, baby! I am an ACK-TOHR!

Really, it's a web series, not a movie. But we still have to shoot it. And the deal is, I'm the female lead. It's great to be cast, and to have people think you're good enough to play the part and (I hope) easy enough on the eyes to be convincing as the object of someone's affection. But if yesterday's psychosomatic (emphasis on psycho) episode is anything to go by, I'm even more nervous and insecure about it than I realized. What if I'm goofy looking? What if I'm not funny? What if the audience just finds me annoying? Eeeeeeeeeeeeek!

I probably shouldn't indulge that negative voice loop.

It's ultimately a good thing, to be doing something I care about so much that I almost made myself sick with nerves. But dang, it could have been inconvenient. And I freaked out a fellow actor, whom I'm supposed to kiss in one of the scenes (never done that before -- double eek!), who's now afraid that I have actual cooties.

I'm a big old bundle of insecurity. It's bringing up feelings from when I was a musician, and never felt prepared enough for my performances. Only this time, I also lack training and experience. Awesome.

I see that I'm up to 35 followers now, despite (or perhaps because of?) my silence over the last two months. Welcome! In a few months, there ought to be some webisodes for you to check out, along with the blog posts and podcasts. Another chip away at the boulder of my anonymity, since I'll be credited in these webisodes under my full name. That's OK. If anyone decides to stalk me, I'll take it as evidence that my performance didn't suck.

Heck, I'll even tell you what it's called, since the production team has set up a Facebook page and perhaps other sites related to the production: "The Ex Factor." Pun intended. It's written by Greg Lam and produced by Malarkey Films. If you're in the Boston/Somerville area, you can even be an extra this Sunday.

If any of you are of the praying persuasion, I won't say no to any prayers for me and the rest of the team as we shoot this. I really want to do well. And it's a talented group of people, both behind and in front of the camera, so it would be great if the end product showcased that and got folks some well deserved attention.

Thanks for reading, guys. And until the shoot is over, Eek, eek, eek, eek, eek!