Christmas Spirit

As a kid, "Christmas spirit" to me meant feeling like the season was special and exciting, and enjoying the specifics of it as special -- the music, the goodies, the decorations, the stories, the TV specials. You look forward to them, and you get a kick out of counting down the days till Christmas itself.

The transition to adulthood brings a wider view, where the rest of your life and the rest of the world creep in and affect your moments. Instead of Christmas having the power to make you happy, the rest of your life has the power to make Christmas sad. Add my own personal predisposition towards melancholy, and by seventh grade I was disappointed with everything that failed to live up to my childhood ideals. It wouldn't be cold enough to snow, or the whole season would just feel so normal, so not special.

That frustration and disappointment has stayed with me. I want to enjoy the music and the lights, and I now suspect that the trying makes it worse. Two days ago, it was gray and damp outside. I was working indoors (not always the case), with Christmas music playing and the smell of yummy foods surrounding me. In that setting, I decided I'd like to take a different approach: letting this season be what it is, rather than trying to force it to be anything. Is it too warm to snow? Let it be. Do I not feel like listening to a certain style of Christmas music, even though I'd felt like it earlier? Let myself listen to what I want in that moment. Do I not feel like shopping for a gift I need to get? Wait until the mood strikes me (within reason). Just let it be. Don't wish for what Christmas was when I was six. Let it be what it is now.

Let it be enough.