Why is it so hard to quit you, Improv?
I know why. Because you encompass so many of the things I'm drawn to and want very much to be good at -- being funny and witty and quick, performing live. And things that I'm not so great at right now, and want to grow in -- spontaneity, freedom, having fun.
Having fun. Aye, there's the rub. I went to an improv workshop on Monday night, mostly because I thought the guy who was leading it was cool; I was aiming for proximity, and if improv was the price I had to pay, so be it. It turns out the guy is an amazing teacher (and probably gay). During one of the scenes I did with another woman, he said, "You're not having fun, so we're not having having fun watching you. You're just focused on getting it 'right.' " Up until that point, I hadn't even realized I wasn't having fun; fun wasn't on my radar. Trying to "get it right" is just how my mind works. Dude didn't just diagnose my scene; he diagnosed my life.
The question then became: In my quest to learn how to enjoy things that are meant to be enjoyable, do I keep doing improv in the hope that eventually I'll learn not to be uptight, or do I keep letting it go, in spite of its siren's song that so often leaves me on the rocks? I've decided to let it go. Again.
So, what now? How do I find stuff I like to do? How do I enjoy said stuff and not make it all worky in my head? I dunno. It's usually pretty hard for me to determine whether I want to do something or not. You'd think "Do you want to?" would be the easiest of questions to answer, but for me it's one of the hardest. But I might practice saying "no" to things when I'm unsure. That takes a lot of work, because it involves letting other people down, and I tend to let other people's desires figure heavily into my decisions.
So, I'm not going to a dance party tomorrow night. And I didn't join someone else's improv group. And there are a few other things I won't be doing, either.
It's a start.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Healthy Lifestyle Choices, the Holly Way
The key is to realize what you probably won't do.
I worked out pretty hard in 2006, because if I went to the gym at lunch time, I could get my butt kicked by a trainer without paying extra. Free. I can do free. And I could do lunchtime, because if I then ate at my desk, it meant I got to go to the gym without adding any time to my day. And I had someone outside my own head telling me what to do. I'm good at taking orders.
Now, a few years later, in a different office in a different part of town, they've just added a fitness center. I can go there for free, right in my building. Easy. I can do that.
I've learned that if I'm going to get myself to work out regularly, and I don't have anyone else kicking my butt, then I need to enjoy it. And to enjoy it, in addition to liking that it's convenient and free, I don't push myself too hard. I'll work up a sweat and I'll move and I'll lift things and push things and pull things, but I won't kill myself. If I did, it wouldn't be fun and I wouldn't want to do it and I wouldn't do it. You can always say that something isn't good enough by comparing it to something "better" -- e.g. sending someone a text message isn't as good as calling them, or having a leisurely workout isn't as good as really pushing yourself (yes, I have managed to find a way to work out leisurely -- jealous?). But what if, realistically, that's not the choice before you? What if you're not likely to contact that person at all if you can't do it from a safe distance? What if you're more likely to go home and eat brownies than go to the gym if going to the gym means being your own drill sergeant? If that's the case, then a text message and a low-key workout may be better than nothing.
I read that humans can only discipline themselves so much. There may be a handful of all-around, highly disciplined people out there, but I suspect most folks just don't have it in them to sustain discipline in every conceivable arena for a long time. (I believe I mentioned this in a blog several months ago.) For example, you may eat well and exercise, but not have control over your temper. You may be a hard worker both at the office and at home, but you're messy. You may be political but not spiritual, or vice versa. (For the record: I don't always eat that well, I'm messy both at home and at work, and I'm spiritual but not political. But I'm nice.) When we choose to tighten one thing, we allow ourselves to loosen another because there aren't enough brain cells or hours in the day to keep all those plate spinning. So I'm trying to find a reasonable balance to the disciplines, and not to beat myself up for the parts that get loose when I'm busy tightening something else.
I've learned to play my vices off each other, too. If I bring fruit and a V-8 to work, then I have to choose between eating them or getting up, heading to the cafeteria, and spending even more money on something else. Cheapness and laziness get me to eat fruit. Yay me.
Or perhaps you get most of your work done, then allow yourself twenty minutes to blog in your cubicle.
Oh, who am I kidding? What kind of asshole does that?
I worked out pretty hard in 2006, because if I went to the gym at lunch time, I could get my butt kicked by a trainer without paying extra. Free. I can do free. And I could do lunchtime, because if I then ate at my desk, it meant I got to go to the gym without adding any time to my day. And I had someone outside my own head telling me what to do. I'm good at taking orders.
Now, a few years later, in a different office in a different part of town, they've just added a fitness center. I can go there for free, right in my building. Easy. I can do that.
I've learned that if I'm going to get myself to work out regularly, and I don't have anyone else kicking my butt, then I need to enjoy it. And to enjoy it, in addition to liking that it's convenient and free, I don't push myself too hard. I'll work up a sweat and I'll move and I'll lift things and push things and pull things, but I won't kill myself. If I did, it wouldn't be fun and I wouldn't want to do it and I wouldn't do it. You can always say that something isn't good enough by comparing it to something "better" -- e.g. sending someone a text message isn't as good as calling them, or having a leisurely workout isn't as good as really pushing yourself (yes, I have managed to find a way to work out leisurely -- jealous?). But what if, realistically, that's not the choice before you? What if you're not likely to contact that person at all if you can't do it from a safe distance? What if you're more likely to go home and eat brownies than go to the gym if going to the gym means being your own drill sergeant? If that's the case, then a text message and a low-key workout may be better than nothing.
I read that humans can only discipline themselves so much. There may be a handful of all-around, highly disciplined people out there, but I suspect most folks just don't have it in them to sustain discipline in every conceivable arena for a long time. (I believe I mentioned this in a blog several months ago.) For example, you may eat well and exercise, but not have control over your temper. You may be a hard worker both at the office and at home, but you're messy. You may be political but not spiritual, or vice versa. (For the record: I don't always eat that well, I'm messy both at home and at work, and I'm spiritual but not political. But I'm nice.) When we choose to tighten one thing, we allow ourselves to loosen another because there aren't enough brain cells or hours in the day to keep all those plate spinning. So I'm trying to find a reasonable balance to the disciplines, and not to beat myself up for the parts that get loose when I'm busy tightening something else.
I've learned to play my vices off each other, too. If I bring fruit and a V-8 to work, then I have to choose between eating them or getting up, heading to the cafeteria, and spending even more money on something else. Cheapness and laziness get me to eat fruit. Yay me.
Or perhaps you get most of your work done, then allow yourself twenty minutes to blog in your cubicle.
Oh, who am I kidding? What kind of asshole does that?
How to Buy Cigarettes without Gaining ANY Street Cred
Be afraid to make the purchase because it feels like you're being bad.
Ask for "one pack of the absolutely cheapest" brand they have.
Give too much information by explaining that you're buying them to use as a prop in an acting scene.
When the young man behind the counter says he doesn't know what's cheapest, lean over and say, "BASIC sounds cheap. Gimme that."
When asked which variety of BASIC you'd like, say, "I like green. That's pretty."
Ta-da.
Ask for "one pack of the absolutely cheapest" brand they have.
Give too much information by explaining that you're buying them to use as a prop in an acting scene.
When the young man behind the counter says he doesn't know what's cheapest, lean over and say, "BASIC sounds cheap. Gimme that."
When asked which variety of BASIC you'd like, say, "I like green. That's pretty."
Ta-da.
Wednesday, July 07, 2010
Hot Mess
Good golly, is it hot here in Boston. I slept with ice packs last night. It was weird. The combination of hot air and a couple cold spots was like being sick with a fever.
Up till now, I've managed to avoid buying a window fan or trying to lug an air conditioning unit up to my third-floor room and trying to fit it into my small, oddly proportioned window. That would be work. And I didn't want to use even more energy than our house was already using. But the heat is sapping all my energy, so I may cave. I had Monday off, and I could barely stay awake because the heat was so stifling. I can see now why people die in heat waves. Apart from the fact that it's probably slowly cooking us, it saps your will to live. "You know what would be nice right now? Being unconscious and staying that way." "You know what's really hard right now? Sitting upright."
It's that kind of heat where you don't want to lie on your own bed because it's too hot to have that much of yourself in contact with a matress.
As much as I whine about how cold I get in other people's air conditioning, I'm not complaining about it right now.
Up till now, I've managed to avoid buying a window fan or trying to lug an air conditioning unit up to my third-floor room and trying to fit it into my small, oddly proportioned window. That would be work. And I didn't want to use even more energy than our house was already using. But the heat is sapping all my energy, so I may cave. I had Monday off, and I could barely stay awake because the heat was so stifling. I can see now why people die in heat waves. Apart from the fact that it's probably slowly cooking us, it saps your will to live. "You know what would be nice right now? Being unconscious and staying that way." "You know what's really hard right now? Sitting upright."
It's that kind of heat where you don't want to lie on your own bed because it's too hot to have that much of yourself in contact with a matress.
As much as I whine about how cold I get in other people's air conditioning, I'm not complaining about it right now.
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