To Improvise or Not to Improvise?

Why is it so hard to quit you, Improv?

I know why. Because you encompass so many of the things I'm drawn to and want very much to be good at -- being funny and witty and quick, performing live. And things that I'm not so great at right now, and want to grow in -- spontaneity, freedom, having fun.

Having fun. Aye, there's the rub. I went to an improv workshop on Monday night, mostly because I thought the guy who was leading it was cool; I was aiming for proximity, and if improv was the price I had to pay, so be it. It turns out the guy is an amazing teacher (and probably gay). During one of the scenes I did with another woman, he said, "You're not having fun, so we're not having having fun watching you. You're just focused on getting it 'right.' " Up until that point, I hadn't even realized I wasn't having fun; fun wasn't on my radar. Trying to "get it right" is just how my mind works. Dude didn't just diagnose my scene; he diagnosed my life.

The question then became: In my quest to learn how to enjoy things that are meant to be enjoyable, do I keep doing improv in the hope that eventually I'll learn not to be uptight, or do I keep letting it go, in spite of its siren's song that so often leaves me on the rocks? I've decided to let it go. Again.

So, what now? How do I find stuff I like to do? How do I enjoy said stuff and not make it all worky in my head? I dunno. It's usually pretty hard for me to determine whether I want to do something or not. You'd think "Do you want to?" would be the easiest of questions to answer, but for me it's one of the hardest. But I might practice saying "no" to things when I'm unsure. That takes a lot of work, because it involves letting other people down, and I tend to let other people's desires figure heavily into my decisions.

So, I'm not going to a dance party tomorrow night. And I didn't join someone else's improv group. And there are a few other things I won't be doing, either.

It's a start.