This Supernatural Business

A week ago, I almost bumped (literally) into a guy at my local grocery store. I recognized him as a guy I'd had a crush on in music school, fifteen years ago. He'd changed a fair bit, but I recognized him anyway (a helpful combination of crush-intensified memory and some light Internet stalking done in more recent years). He was busy not crashing into me and moving on, so he probably didn't get a real look at my face, much less recognize me. If any, "Hey, you're that person I knew!" was going to happen, it was going to have to come from me.

It didn't. I saw him twice more, but was all self-conscious -- I have a zit on my lip! I'm wearing frumpy clothes! What on earth would I say beyond, "Hey, I recognize you after fifteen years, but that's not a reason to be scared!"? -- so I watched him leave the store and got teary on my way to the bananas.

This story exemplifies the fears I have surrounding my Nov. 4 prayer: If I can't do things like this for myself, then the things I want may never happen. I spend a fair bit of my life ping-ponging between fear, and beating myself up for that fear. Even at the little amusement park I went to this past weekend, I was afraid. I'm afraid of heights, so roller coasters and some other rides scare me. Sometimes I'll try to be brave and get in line, but I'll spend all that time feeling scared and icky. The ride may be followed by the thrill of accomplishment, but that's quickly chased by more fear as the prospect of another ride looms. Sometimes I just won't go on the ride at all, and I'll be disappointed with myself for not confronting my fear. I did have a mini-revelation this last time, that the whole reason these rides exist is to play on our natural (and worthwhile) instincts, and therefore my fear of them is not some moral failing. But again, the whole experience is an example of how my mind works, and how thoroughly it tends to un-fun activities you might think it impossible to un-fun.

I know not everyone who reads this blog believes in the whole God/prayer thing, so it's embarrassing sometimes to talk about my hopes that God will come in and do things that I can't or don't do for myself. I feel like I should be able to hold up documentation and say, "Look what I've done on my own behalf!" so that you can then respond, "Good for you! Keep it up and things are bound to happen!" And it's not like I don't do anything for myself, ever. I do try. It's just that I see a huge chasm between where my efforts get me and where I want to be. Part of me feels like I have no business asking God to fill in that gap, even if He's God and He likes people and He fills gaps for them. Another part believes He likes it when we include Him in our lives this way. Either way, I'm very conscious of my need for help. Lots of it.

And I still want God Himself. Sometimes I take for granted that an experience of God will come with any gift He gives me. I want that. And that makes sense. Any gift is ultimately about the relationship between the giver and the recipient.

So here I am again, God, asking for big things. Feel free to do some showing off here.