I Want to Have Fun

Duh.

Here's the thing: I do fun stuff, but don't necessarily have as much fun doing it as I'd like to. I always want to go back home and do nothing. That's what I look forward to most. A couple weeks ago, I took a couple vacation days to do just that -- or at least, a nice combination of Nothing and at-home chores that I don't always get to on weekends because I'm out doing said "fun" things. I found myself thinking, "I'd like to take some time -- at least two weeks, perhaps a few months -- to just be myself," and I realized that, at least in that moment, my idea of "being myself" was just staring at the wall and letting my mind wander for hours and hours.

So, I guess I want a couple things: I want time to do a lot of Nothing, and variations on Nothing (e.g. read, watch TV, nap, write in my journal, post stupid comments on Facebook), and I want to be able to enjoy all the activities I have on my plate when I'm not doing Nothing. Really, most of these activities, at least on paper, ought to be frigging awesome -- acting classes, going out with friends, stuff I'd probably be sad not to do. But there's something slightly off in my brain, I think, that makes almost any and all activity feel like obligation and work. What's that about? I don't think it was always this way, or at least not to this degree. I think some synapse got out of whack somewhere along the line, and it's messing things up. Stupid synapse.

The statement keeps running through my mind, "I want to have fun." And I don't really mean that I want to do fun things, because that's happening. I mean that I want to have fun doing them. And because that change would have to happen somewhere deep inside my gray matter where I can't see it or take a bread knife to it, it's harder to change.

But the desire is there.