Pretty/Not Pretty

It's astounding how much of a difference it makes when I feel pretty in a given situation. It's the difference between coming from a place of abundance or a place of lack. It might sound really superficial, but it's something I've observed in myself, and when I mention it to other women, they know what I'm talking about.


I spent a lot of money on my bridesmaid dress for my friend's upcoming wedding. And then I spent more to get it fitted. But I love how it looks on me, and how I look in it. Both times that I've left the bridal shop after working with the seamstress, I've been really psyched. The responsible part of me feels foolish for spending that kind of money when, technically, I'm unemployed. And the socially conscious part of me doesn't know how to reconcile that kind of spending with the fact that I haven't donated a similar amount to help the hungry and the suffering. But it's also true that feeling beautiful and confident leaves me feeling more gracious and generous toward the world.

I enjoy situations more when I feel like I look good in the midst of them. It's easier to talk to people and care about them and be interested in them during the conversation, because I don't feel such a need to get compliments and be built up by them. I'm better able to enjoy the beauty of nature or some pleasant surroundings because I don't feel like I'm a smudge on an otherwise lovely picture.

Those who've known me for a while know that it took a long time for me to learn to appreciate my own appearance, and to play it up rather than downplay it. I spent most of my life assuming -- no, convinced -- that I was ugly. And it wasn't really because I had people telling me I was ugly, although I imagine there are very, very few people who make it to adulthood without receiving at least a few insults about their appearance. I just didn't get much attention for my appearance one way or the other, and my mind filled the void with negative thoughts. That's all it took, really: A void for my mind to fill, and I lived the life of an Ugly Girl.

I read an article several months ago by a woman who suggested that we not immediately compliment girls on their looks when we see them, because it teaches them that that's the first (or, worse, the only) thing people notice about them. Now, I'd agree that it's important to make sure a girl knows that every aspect of her personhood is valuable and appreciated -- her intellect, her character, her personality, her potential -- but I'd take a different approach to the beauty issue. If my experience is anything to go by, girls are going to care about appearances eventually, whether it's part of their nature or because the rest of our culture cares. Maybe it's hardwired in humanity and we can't avoid it; I don't know. What I do know is that when I was told not to worry about appearances, what I heard was, "You don't have that going for you, so you should learn to be happy some other way." It didn't work. Why leave a void where compliments could go? I believe that every girl and every woman has beauty, and that she should know it. Go ahead and appreciate every aspect of who she is, and help her to appreciate it, too, but please include her beauty. What could be the harm in helping a girl to feel smart and beautiful? Knowing that I can pull off a tight, strapless gown certainly doesn't lessen my confidence in my intellect.

My point is that it doesn't have to be either/or, praising a girl for the internal or the external. It can be both. Having both in place certainly makes a huge difference to me.