As a kid, "Christmas spirit" to me meant feeling like the season was special and exciting, and enjoying the specifics of it as special -- the music, the goodies, the decorations, the stories, the TV specials. You look forward to them, and you get a kick out of counting down the days till Christmas itself.
The transition to adulthood brings a wider view, where the rest of your life and the rest of the world creep in and affect your moments. Instead of Christmas having the power to make you happy, the rest of your life has the power to make Christmas sad. Add my own personal predisposition towards melancholy, and by seventh grade I was disappointed with everything that failed to live up to my childhood ideals. It wouldn't be cold enough to snow, or the whole season would just feel so normal, so not special.
That frustration and disappointment has stayed with me. I want to enjoy the music and the lights, and I now suspect that the trying makes it worse. Two days ago, it was gray and damp outside. I was working indoors (not always the case), with Christmas music playing and the smell of yummy foods surrounding me. In that setting, I decided I'd like to take a different approach: letting this season be what it is, rather than trying to force it to be anything. Is it too warm to snow? Let it be. Do I not feel like listening to a certain style of Christmas music, even though I'd felt like it earlier? Let myself listen to what I want in that moment. Do I not feel like shopping for a gift I need to get? Wait until the mood strikes me (within reason). Just let it be. Don't wish for what Christmas was when I was six. Let it be what it is now.
Let it be enough.
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2 comments:
I'm the same way. I thought Christmas was the best thing EVER when I was a kid, and honestly I still hold on to hope of all hopes that it IS THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR AND FUCK ANYONE WHO THINKS IT ISN'T! It stemmed from a couple of disappointing Christmases in high school where I had boy trouble, and later getting jealous of my sisters who ALWAYS had someone to bring home for the holiday, and I was still just the baby. I longed for someone so badly, and then when I finally got someone, all we've done for the past two Christmases is fight! Which brought me to the understanding that for adults with limited income, the holidays are really stressful. Especially with me, essentially having two families because my parents divorced when I was a kid, and now having three if I count my boyfriend's family, so I have far too many places to be on Christmas Eve/Day and it sucks. I wish I could spend an adequate time with everyone, but usually end up doing a chew-and-screw. A couple of weeks ago, I made my boyfriend promise me that we weren't going to fight this year. I have no idea if that's going to happen, but at least things feel more stable now that we've been together for so long. But I read a couple of your other blogs and understand how it is to doubt yourself. The number one thing I hate about the holidays is having to tell my family why I'm still not on Broadway, or why I'm not in LA yet. They don't understand how our business actually works, and why I'm biding my time and working the way I want to. So I usually just talk up my boyfriend and tell them how HE'S got an album out, and HE'S working with so-and-so and get the focus off of me. I just want to enjoy each other's company, and feel like a little kid opening my presents, even if my presents are now things like a knife set instead of a Barbie. I think that when we're in constant worry and self-doubt, artists tend to feel things a lot more inwardly than the regular Joe. You see a Christmas movie and think, "I should feel like that" and get down on yourself when it doesn't come exactly the way you want it to. If you're like me, which I think you are, you're very good at being melancholy because it's something you understand. Inexplicable childlike joy is really effing hard to understand when it doesn't happen the way you think that it should. But it'll come. It comes when you don't think about it, and you stop thinking about "why this" or "why that".
No idea if that added anything aside from, "I can relate, sistah".
Yep. I hear you.
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