Blogging as Revenge: A Verizon Story. Part II.

II. The Mostly True Part

[Music, then a friendly woman’s voice.] Welcome to Verizon. You’ve reached Verizon Online Internet Services. [Man’s voice.] Para Espanol, marque el dos. [Woman’s voice again.] Is xxx-xxx-xxxx the number you’re calling about?
Yes.
Sorry, I didn’t hear you. Is xxx-xxx-xxxx number you’re calling about? Please say yes or no.
Yes.
You’re at the main menu. To start over at any time, say, 'Main menu.' [*Ping!*] Which are you calling about? Tech support, your account, or orders?
My account.
If calling for a technical issue, say, 'Tech support.'
My account.
…If calling with billing questions, say, 'My account.'
My account, what is wrong with you?
…To place an order to check the status of an order, say, 'Orders.'
MY. ACCOUNT.
All right, your account. Are you calling about billing, password reset, or your profile? Or, to disconnect your service, say, 'Cancel.'
(Uh-oh. What’s a profile? Which one do I want?)
To ask about changes on your bill, say, 'Billing.' To reset your password, say, 'Password reset.' To change your account information, such as your name or address, say, 'My profile.' To cancel, say, 'Cancel.'
(I press zero for an operator.)
I’m sorry, I didn’t get that. To ask about changes on your bill, say, 'Billing.'
(Is it me, or is her voice starting to sound snitty?)
… To reset your password, say, 'Password reset.'
You smell like boiled cauliflower and I'm reasonably certain your mother was a prostitute.
…To change your account information, such as your name or address, say, 'My profile.'
Urge to kill, rising…
…To cancel, say, 'Cancel.'
Billing.
Because Verizon Online Services are billed a month in advance, your first bill may appear higher than your regular monthly charge. There is also a one-time shipping and activation fee of $19.95.
Blah, blah, blah…
If you would like to review a copy of your invoice online, you can do so by going to start.verizon.net. You can say, 'Repeat that,' or, if you have another billing question, say, 'Continue.' Otherwise, just hang up.
Excuse me? A recording is all I’m getting? “Just freakin’ hang up?”
I’m sorry, I didn’t get that. You can say, 'Repeat that…”'
No way do I want you to repeat that.
…or, if you have another billing question, say, 'Continue.'
Continue!
…Otherwise, say, 'Main menu' or just hang up.
CONTINUE!
Which billing information are you calling for?
(If I smash this phone into the wall, will I regret it? I think I might.)
…Account balance, bill explanation, copy of my bill, or say, 'I’m calling for something else.' If you’re not sure, say, 'More information.'
I’m calling for something else.
I’m sorry, I didn’t get that.
More information.
I still didn’t get that. You can say, 'Account balance…'
(I hit zero again and again and again.)
Please hold while I transfer you to the next available agent. [Silence.]
“Hello, this is Shawna, how can I help you?”
Yes, I have several questions about my account.
“Can I have the phone number on the account, please?”
xxx-xxx-xxxx.
“Are you in New York, ma’am?”
No, I’m in Boston.
“I’m sorry, this is a New York office. You’ll want to call a Boston office for help.”
I called a Boston number and this is where it sent me.
“I’m sorry about that, ma’am. I’m afraid I can’t help you from here.”
OK, thanks for your time. (At this point rage is seeping from my pores and I want very much to do violence to someone or something. I eat lunch instead.)