Bringing Bloggy Back

Hi Everybody,
One year ago, over Martin Luther King, Jr. weekend, I announced that I was backing off from blogging in an effort to find out how to enjoy things, and not just do them out of obligation. I never expected to be away this long. In fact, for the last several months, I've thought about posting again, and have had many bloggy thoughts, but have had some kind of internal paralysis that prevented me from getting online and doing it. While I've been gone, several of you have mentioned that you missed my blog and have gently encouraged me to come back. I really appreciated that.

This paralysis hasn't just affected my blog. It's affecting my entire life, including my desire to find work that relates to humor and writing. My tendency is to beat myself up for my inaction, which isn't especially helpful. I know I'm capable of pushing past the lack of inspiration and motivation, of forcing myself do produce and achieve, because I've done it before. The problem with that is that I pushed past that lack of inspiration so much that I forgot what inspiration felt like. I got so used to not enjoying the process that I no longer enjoyed the achievements the processes led to. I didn't want that to happen again. And I didn't want change for the sake of change; I wanted something better than what I had, and that meant being careful and deliberate about what I chose to pursue.

You won't be surprised when I say that I'm a person of thought rather than a person of action. This doesn't mean I never do anything; it just means I tend to live most of my live in my mind, and when I Do, it's usually because I've given the situation a lot of thought and I'm able to back up my actions with reasons. I'm cautious and calculated, and would rather plan my steps than just start running. I don't like falling, and it takes me a while to pick myself up once I've fallen, so I take careful steps. I find that people of action don't mind falling, and they learn by trying and failing, then trying again. I learn by processing internally. Failure tends to hit me quite hard. I know failure is both inevitable and necessary, but that knowledge doesn't change my fundamental nature, which is to work things out in my head before moving.

So there I was, wanting to blog, knowing others wanted me to blog, beating myself up for not Doing more, and still feeling stuck. I kept praying that God would help me to Do. I'd have moments of inspiration, and I tried to feed them, in the hope that inspiration would become motivation, motivation would lead to action, and action would lead to change in the areas in which I most desperately want change. I didn't want to skip those first steps and jump right into action, because I didn't want changes that didn't include inspiration.

I've heard people say that it's easier for God to steer a moving car than a stationary one. But, as a friend and I discussed a few months ago: Who says this is the most accurate or most helpful metaphor? Why must we be cars? Why must we be moving? Who's to say we're not just wasting energy and time, and heading in a direction far removed from where God would have us? If you're a car, and decide to move from Baltimore in the direction of Santa Fe, and you're putting your energy into getting there, what happens when God says He wants you in Buffalo? Will you even hear Him over the din of traffic and your own engine? You've just wasted time and fuel, and you're hundreds of miles out of your way.

That's how I feel in most of the areas of my life, including writing. I'd like to be able to tell people I'm looking for jobs, I'm doing research, I'm writing a lot and it's just a matter of time. But I feel vague and directionless, and I when it comes to taking action, I'm unconvinced. This wasn't always the case. At several points in my life, I've been able to focus on goals and go after them. For the last couple years, though, the goals have been out of focus. For reasons that I don't completely understand and have trouble explaining, I haven't been able to make my life happen, any more than a depressed person can wake up and say, "You know what? I'm going to have an Attitude of Gratitude!", or a chronically ill person can say, "I'm going to put mind over matter and run a 10k!" I don't believe in being utterly passive, but there's a lot to be said for acknowledging your human frailty. I don't know where the line between these things lies.

This morning, I prayed a different prayer. Instead of asking God to get me past whatever hang-up was keeping me from blogging, I prayed that He would restore my blog to me. That seemingly slight change in perspective freed me up, and quickly left room for the very motivation I'd been needing. Thus, here I am, online at home, blogging for the first time in months.

I also admitted to myself and to God that I would like a guide in the world of writing. There are endless resources for writers, including books and web sites, where you can do research and begin carving a career for yourself. But this kind of professional, entrepreneurial bushwhacking is exactly what I found so hard as a musician, an area where my skill was proven and acknowledged. How much harder would it be for me as a writer, where I have no professional experience, and I feel gun-shy from having experienced failure in other areas? Almost all the advice I got was along the lines of, "Here are some resources. I used them. You can, too!" Today, I realized that I need something more personal, almost along the lines of a mentor or private tutor. When I was in high school, my family and I would have been utterly lost when it came to searching out and auditioning for music schools if it hadn't been for my trombone teacher. He held our hands through the process, and was an incredible source of practical counsel and personal perspective. Because no one was offering that kind of almost-parental attention in my pursuit of a writing career, I assumed that it must be wrong for me to want it, that I was supposed to be stronger, more mature, more independent. After all, I'm not in high school anymore, right?

However, whether your desires are right or wrong, it's best to acknowledge that they exist and work with what's there, not with what you wish were there. And sometimes, desires aren't bad; sometimes, they're even needs. So today I asked God for a person or group to guide me in the process of becoming a working writer -- not just a book I could read, but a human who would take a personal interest in me, interact with me, appreciate and affirm my individuality. Someone who would give me a nudge when I need a nudge, but who wouldn't force me in directions that don't suit me at all. I was so excited when I realized I could ask for this, and this excitement is another reason I have the energy to do this blog post you're reading.

I don't know what will come of these prayers. I don't know if I'll have the freedom to post again tomorrow, though I hope I will. But what God gave me today was enough to produce this one post, and that's more than I've been able to do in a long time. If you're a praying person, and would like to see more blogging and more from me as a writer in general, please feel free to pray with me as I take these small but significant steps toward my still-fuzzy dreams. I do believe in a God who answers prayer.

If you're reading this, it's probably because you've been faithfully checking in, every several weeks, to see if I've returned. Thanks for not giving up :-).
Thanks for reading,
Holly