The Continental

My brother has been a Navy pilot for the last 8 years, and is now leaving active duty to fly for Continental Airlines. He is a fine, upstanding young man, and I would place my life in his hands any day. He's also a freaking riot, and it's a darn shame that commercial pilots are supposed to maintain a professional level of boringness in their in-flight announcements, because his would be an improvisational hoot. In honor of this next step in his life, I now offer a few of the things he won't be allowed to say over the intercom:

Ladies and gentlemen, I don't know about you, but I feel the need: the Need for Speed. We'll be flying into the danger zone shortly, once I've buzzed the control tower. Please pay very close attention as the flight attendant demonstrates how to operate your parachutes.

Ladies and gentlemen, we are now approaching our destination. I hope you all slept as well as I did. As we begin our precipitous drop, I'd like to remind you all not to try the stunts you're about to see at home, mostly because you all don't have planes.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm your captain... because I'm awesome. Today I'll be your captain. Yes, you're welcome! You know, in a way I have the gift of flight, so it's kind of like I'm a superhero. In fact, why don't you call me Captain Awesome. Now you kids, don't all rush the cockpit to get an autograph; there'll be plenty of time for that once we're back on the ground. For now, just tell your parents how much you want to grow up to be me. And parents, enjoy your in-flight movie, and sit back and enjoy the Awesome.