Bling

I ordered some jewelry. I don't wear jewelry, but I'm trying to learn. As with so many other things, what other female humans learn in junior high, I am now learning in my thirties. Jude Blume books only taught me so much.

A few weeks ago, my friend Misten (you remember -- Derek Jeter's biggest fan and future wife) invited me to one of those parties that's like a Tupperware party but not for Tupperware. It was for jewelry. I know squat about jewelry. But as you know, I've been acquiring some pretty clothes lately, and this event seemed to go nicely with the recent increase in attention that I'm paying to my own appearance. I'm also a sucker for compliments, and when the saleswoman started putting pieces on me and everyone ooo'd and aaaah'd, I thought, Attention! Yay! More, please!

Then I was shown a necklace that can be worn as a belt or a bracelet, and the frugal Scandinavian in me thought, Why, this is practical!

The nail in my coffin was the wine. I have no eye for accessories, but after a couple helpings of the vino, everything in the catalog was looking good to me. What's the wine equivalent of beer goggles? Wine, uh, glasses?

Misten also said that men's attention is drawn by sparkly things. (Of course, mine is, too. It's also easily sucked in by cartoons and things that smell like butter.) Hey, can't hurt, right?

It shouldn't surprise me that the same principles I've been learning about clothes apply to jewelry as well: Different items look good on different people. Size, shape, color, brightness. A well-placed piece can accentuate what's most beautiful about you -- the color of your eyes, a long neck, a slender wrist, cleavage (OK, not so much for me on that last one). And the wrong pieces can make you look dumb. So don't wear those.

Now I need to get up earlier so I can put time into coordinating outfits and picking out the shiny bits to go with them. I'm not used to this. I'm used to being the chick to runs out of the house with wet hair because I'm cutting it close and I'm tripping over the mess in my room and I forgot to make a sandwich but I can bring an apple but I'd really like a sandwich too but I'm late but I can take the time out of my lunch break but I should really go, so I may be on time or I may be well fed or I may be neither but I'm rarely both. We'll see if I can be the girl in the well-coordinated outfit with the guy-catching sparklies and mostly-dry hair.

I still can't be bothered with eye makeup, though. That's another lesson, for another party.