Blogging as Revenge: A Verizon Story. Part I.

I wrote this last night in a fit of half-rage, half-manaical glee. It has bad words in it, so you might lose all respect for me. But that was bound to happen sooner or later.

I. The Disclaimer

1. You know how some people write fictionalized autobiography, and they use it to get back at everyone who ever wronged them? I deliberately notified a wide range of people about this blog as a way to keep myself accountable; I wouldn’t be able to write mean things about a person or group of people without their reading it directly, or at least without word getting back to them.
2. I’m also pretty good when it comes to raving about products or services that I appreciate. 3M band-aids with dinosaurs on them (“for all your dino-sores,” ha ha!), which don’t come off in the shower? Totally worth the extra money. Neosporin with pain reliever? Worked quite well on a minor burn I had. The honest mechanic I found in Maryland? I called home about him, I was so happy. All this is to say that I give credit where credit is due.
3. The individuals I’ve talked to at Verizon, when I finally get through to them, are very friendly.

All that said, this isn’t the first time I’ve had trouble with Verizon. Once service is up and running, things are fine – great, even. I get better cell phone reception than anyone else I know. But they seem to suck when it comes to setting things up. In Maryland, I went a week or two without a phone because things were complicated, confusing, contradictory, and slow. A month ago, simply to change the name on our household DSL account, we had to shut down service, and it couldn’t be reinstalled for almost 2 weeks. Now, this week, we changed a password, and service was shut down again, without warning or explanation, and no word as to when it would be restored. They’re such a pain in the ass, my ass isn’t big enough to carry it all. So I hereby break my own No Vindictive Blogging rule.

Part II is taken from actual transcriptions I made of their truly horrid automated call-routing system. (Yes, readers, I intentionally listened to this stuff more often than I had to in order to make this accurate. I may have a word or two off, but I am very, very close.) This is an amalgamation of my many interactions with this thing, but it is not – repeat, NOT – an exaggeration.

I confess I made Part III up. It was fun, though. (And Dad, if you’re reading this, you know you say this kind of stuff. You totally whoop ass in my story. Don’t take me out of the will.)