Crazy Holly's Going-out-of-Legalism Sale: Everything Must Go! (Part 1)

I am undertaking something that will sound like a very, very bad idea to most people: Inaction. I'm not going to stop working or give up brushing my teeth or anything like that. It's inaction for all the bigger things I want -- all that Pursuing Your Dreams stuff. My plan for the time being is to do a big fat Nothing.

You may be wondering why.

I've been dancing around the idea for a while. Well, maybe dancing isn't the right word. More like tug-o-war. On the one side, we have my desire to do big things and see big changes. On the other side, we have my legalism and my icky propensity to dread anything that I feel I have to do. When I was an acitive musician, I didn't like to practice because I had to do it. When I practiced, I didn't like working up pieces for auditions or performances becaues I had to do them. I placed all this pressure on myself, and that made things unpleasant. Now that I'm looking toward other things, I find I feel the same way. I like doing this blog, but feeling an obligation to post almost every day makes me not want to do it. I'd like to find a more creative job, but feeling like I have to be bold and go out there and take the job I want is overwhelming and, again, I don't like thinking about it. I'd like to meet the right guy, but the more I feel responsible for my own social life, the more I wonder what's wrong with me that my efforts (feeble as they may be) aren't working. Obviously, that's no fun.

I wasn't sure how to resolve this tension. Was I just being lazy and fearful? Should I get past my own lack of enthusiasm for the process of pursuing my dreams and just push on doors until one of them opens for me? Am I being too passive, and thus condemning myself to a life of dissatisfaction? Surely no counsellor in the world would tell a person to sit around watching TV and wait for a great job offer, or to stay home in the evenings and wait for the mailman to come whisk you off into the sunset instead of getting out and meeting people. If you want to eat, you have to buy food, cook it, and lift the spoon to your mouth, right?

At the same time, part of me was saying that the answer to the above questions was, against all reason, No. At least, No for me, for now. This is largely because of the whole legalism thing, which I talked about in the last two posts. I feel so responsible for my own success and happiness that I stop trusting God to take care of me, in spite of countless biblical evidence that He takes care of His children. It's also because I still have only a small capacity for joy (to be discussed in later posts). I could get everything I want tomorrow, but that's no guarantee that I'll enjoy it. I've had good things before and been miserable with them. I'm aware of these problems in myself, and have been making a real effort not to give in to them. Part of this process is the whole "practicing sin" thing (one manifestation of this is not posting on this blog as often, which is why I haven't been posting as often as I used to).

But how far do you take it? Eating chocolate for breakfast over Christmas vacation and being slack about blog-posting is harmless enough. But for stuff that matters, shouldn't I be more disciplined and proactive, regardless of how I feel? I could take care of business, as I have in the past, but if I'm not sure of what I want, and I'm not enjoying the process of getting there, wouldn't I just be setting myself up for continured aimlessness and unhappiness? Action simply for its own sake didn't seem smart; I had to have a direction, a purpose, and I didn't have either one.

So there I was, dissatisfied but not really doing anything, and wondering whether I ought to get off my ass and get to work or if I should tackle the issues of legalism and happiness by staying firmly planted on my ass (and perhaps spending more time on my knees, figuratively speaking) . The first option was unfocused and intimidating. The second one seemed stupid and irresponsible, and would leave me wide open to criticism, both from other people and from myself.

This is yet another long one, split up into two parts. I did this one on my lunch break, and I've gotta get back to work now. The other one to follow... not sure when. Soon, I hope, but I'm practicing not putting pressure on myself, as you've just read, so it wouldn't do for me to go making promises.