Permission to be a Girl

For most of my life, I've fought my own femininity. I'd get embarrassed if I dared to wear perfume or lotion and someone told me I "stank like a girl." It never occurred to me that I was supposed to stand my ground. Instead, I recoiled and tried to be as tomboyish as possible. I convinced myself that, as a trombone player, I was trying to be accepted for my talent alone, and that I didn't want my scent or appearance to distract the audience or the other musicians. Well, I was successful there, wasn't I?

I spent the '90s shrouded in flannel. Yeah, lots of people were buried in grunge in the '90s, but I was relieved not to have to try. Whenever I ventured to experiment with hair or makeup, I felt like it didn't make any difference. I didn't realize that such things take time and practice for everyone; I thought I was just bad at it.

Just this morning, I realized that I was unconsciously anticipating being embarrassed at the weight of my suitcase for my upcoming European trip. I wanted to look cute on the streets of London and Paris, but I didn't want the men who helped me with my luggage to make cracks about bringing everything but the kitchen sink. Then it occurred to me: This is what you do if you want to be cute! You have to prepare, like a boy scout. Beauty does take effort, and it's OK to bring several outfits and a few hair products and more than one color of lipstick. I'm allowed to bring more than one jacket, too, in case it rains. I love the idea of wearing a bright raincoat with a short skirt and boots, and carrying a bright umbrella, in Paris in the Spring rain. Well, one has to pack a raincoat then! Screw the old, ascetic efficiency.

I may not have mentioned my upcoming trip on this blog. Well, I'm going on a trip, and it's upcoming! My English roommate is going home to visit her family and is making a detour to Paris, and I'm tagging along. Wooo! I haven't been on that side of the pond in six years. I don't get excited about a lot, but I'm excited about this. I've been praying about my capacity to have fun, because I want to really enjoy myself. I'm already prepared to spend money. And after this morning's revelation, I'm prepared to actually pack like a girl who's going vacation.

Look out, Europe! Holly's gettin' dolled up, and she's going to have bright lips even if it takes all day to get the line right (and it might).