Stop This Brain, I Want to Get Off

Anyone who's known me for seven minutes or more will know that I have a tendency to over-think, and often to over-over-over-over-think. And it happens almost before I can stop it. Example: I get out the Cray-Pas to do my daily scribbling, and I pick a few colors I like. Before one of them even touches the paper, my mind will go through the following gymnastics: Have I already set a rule by choosing these colors? Should I try to avoid making lines to color within? Am I unnecessarily restricting myself in the opposite direction by trying NOT to draw lines? Would I be able to counteract all this planning and control by using my left hand instead of my right? Now that I've started drawing one set of lines, do I stick with it?

All this takes place within a second or two, much less time than it took to type it out just now.

I've learned to ignore my own thoughts in these instances, but I have to be careful that they don't lurk beneath the surface, making me unhappy for reasons I can't pinpoint. That happens a lot.

I also notice that I make assumptions about everything being my fault (which would mean that somehow everything ought to be under my control). I've had a lazy day so far today, and I took a nap just because I felt like it. I woke up with a headache, and immediately felt guilty, because somewhere in my head I assumed that I wouldn't have a headache unless I'd made a bad choice -- oversleeping, undersleeping, eating poorly, eating too little, whatever. You may remember that I've had headaches pretty regularly throughout my life, so you can imagine how many opportunities I've had to feel guilty without even realizing that it may be groundless.

It's been a long process of noticing these goings-on within myself, and realizing that it doesn't have to be this way. (The brain fast I did last year was great for this.) It makes sense that recognizing unhelpful assumptions and over-thinking for what they are would be a big part of learning to live in the moment and enjoy life a lot more.

At the same time, I'm practicing not apologizing for who I am, even if it's hard to understand or annoying. The little hamster in my head, who spends so much time running on his wheel, is what makes me a writer, and I'm hoping that as I write about all this stuff, it'll be helpful to somebody. For all the folks who read it and think, I don't relate to that at all, but I'm glad I'm not you, perhaps there'll be someone else who says, Have you been transcribing my diary?

So, fellow over-thinker, at least you know you're not alone. Spend a few pleasant minutes thinking about that, if you like :-)