Less than a month till I hit November 4th, the tenth anniversary (or thereabouts) of the day I moved to Maryland, and the day by which I prayed God would bring long-awaited changes in both the career and romance departments. So far, I've mostly had lots of roommate drama and upheaval instead.
There were times where I'd get anxious, knowing that the date was drawing nigh. I didn't think that was quite how God meant me to feel, but I didn't want to be complacent, either. One of the big reasons I prayed a prayer with a date on it was so that I couldn't let God or myself off the hook. I wasn't just tired of waiting and disappointment; I was tired of being OK with the disappointment. And being anxious was a way of proving that my heart was still invested.
The other end of the spectrum -- resignation -- didn't seem like the right feeling, either. I wasn't sure how not to feel one or the other, anxiety or resignation. What other option was there?
I'm feeling all right today, though. Hopeful, but not desperate. Like things could still happen, and that even if they don't, there's a way to be OK without simply absorbing disappointment as the norm. God must have gotten me here, this feeling-fine place, because I wouldn't have known where it was or how to find it. And I don't know if it will last. But I'll take it.
I could hit Nov. 4 and feel awful or feel nothing, neither of which is very appealing. But right now there are still 3 1/2 weeks, and because I don't know what will happen, I shouldn't be planning my feelings prematurely. So I'll go with the Feeling OK as long as it lasts. And that side dish of hopefulness ain't bad, either.
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3 comments:
Holly, I'm curious if you've specified what you WANT in terms of relationship and career. That might give you and God more to go on. Have you stated your specific desires? It can be scary to do, but you sound like you're ready.
Can't wait to see what transpires between now and 11/4. We will have to have a big party no matter what!
:)
Hey Anya,
I was as specific as I could be without eliminating possibilities that I didn't want to eliminate. One thing that was clear in my mind was that I wanted the changes to be external and visible -- not just a change of attitude or something that "builds character" or gets chalked up to experience. Not that I don't appreciate the internal work; it's that that's what I've had for the last ten years, and I would like to get some fun outward change that is undeniable and obvious both to everyone else and to myself.
I bet you will get that change. And it will rock. Can't wait to see it!
xx,
A
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