Doubling Down

Most years, during the season that more traditional churches call Lent, my church does something called "40 Days of Faith." There are several components to it, including the opportunity to pray for others more, and to fast. Because of my history with legalism, I choose to focus more on the part where we're supposed to ask God for something really, really big for ourselves -- scary in both its boldness and apparent selfishness. We're encouraged to ask not just for something surface-y -- e. g., "I want a spouse" -- but for the need behind the need -- e.g., "I want to love and be loved in the context of meaningful and intimate relationships."

This year, I prayed for the ability/capacity/grace to enjoy myself. This does not come naturally to me. I think a lot about the past and the future, and find it hard to live in the moment. When I do think about the moment at hand, I'm often analyzing it rather than enjoying it. And what is there to enjoy, really, when you're not enjoying the present? What good will it do me to get everything else I've ever imagined wanting -- husband, career, ancient castle with modern plumbing -- if I'm not able to enjoy it when I have it? So that's what I asked for. Not concrete, but rather practical, I think.

Since then, as you know if you've been reading, I prayed a more concrete prayer: That God would bring the big changes I've been waiting for in both the career and romance departments by Nov. 4 of this year. Still not uber-specific, as those changes could take any number of forms, though I'm also praying that I'll be able to recognize and enjoy them when they get here. The date is darn specific, though.

I now have another dimension to add to the mix. Last week, I discovered that a writer whose blog I read, Trish Ryan (http://trishryanonline.blogspot.com/), has been leading her own online 40 Days of Faith for the past couple of summers (http://fortydaysoffaith.blogspot.com/2010/05/40-days-of-faith-2010.html). I decided to be obnoxiously bold and join in. I prayed a big 40 Days prayer earlier this year, I prayed the Nov. 4 prayer, and now I'm doing another 40 Days -- who the heck do I think I am? I'm somebody who's had enough experience being meek and unassuming and is trying shamelessness instead. I'm betting that God can handle it. It's not like He doesn't know what I want anyway.

My new 40 Days prayer is similar to my Nov. 4 prayer, but the specifics shift to the other foot. What I'm asking for is more defined -- a husband, and a job that I love so much that I practically run/skip to work every day -- but without the Nov. 4 deadline. (Good heavens, I'm not even dating anybody -- I do NOT want to be married by Nov. 4!) And I'm doing the fasting part this time... sort of. Instead of abstaining from something (food, TV, alcohol, swearing), I'm adding something on: Scribbling! I bought some oil pastels and a blank pad, and the plan is to draw/scribble every day, to get myself out of my heady, verbal world, and be messy and free and color outside the lines, literally and figuratively. It's an interesting discipline for someone like me, who, when presented with a blank piece of paper, will usually draw lines of my own before coloring them in with precision. That's gotta be a massive window into my psyche, right there.

These latest prayers are risky, because I'm investing a lot in them. I'm investing time, effort, and money, as I head into the classes I've recently joined. I'm investing my heart and my hope, as I allow myself to ask and keep asking. I'm investing my reputation and my pride, as I tell everybody and their uncle about what I'm doing. Eek. EEK!

But I'm not apologizing.