First, I'd like to say that I'm doing better after my initial post-verdict distress. Thanks to all who encouraged me. This isn't the first time I've been terribly unhappy after making a decision which has real consequesnces. When I took the job I have now, I had another job offer from another company that had come my way at the same time. It was quite difficult trying to choose, and once I made my choice, I was worried that I'd made the wrong one. My roommate took me out to dinner to kick my butt into celebrating the fact that I now had a good job and my seven-month temping streak had come to an end.
Once I started doing this job, I was happy to be here. I still have a lot to be thankful for -- pleasant coworkers, low stress, good benefits. It's a good place to be... for now. It's not the kind of position a person is meant to stay in forever; people in this job are expected to move onward and upward. My issue right now is that I don't know what I want to do next. I have general ideas, but I'm having trouble with specifics. Here are a few things I'm pretty sure of:
*I want to work with words and ideas. I like writing, and I can do it -- both coming up with the things to say, and saying them well. I like language and what it reveals about how individuals and whole cultures see the world. I like how well it captures intangible things.
*I like the creative process. Creative decisions are decisions I can make without being depressed for days afterward. And I understand creative decisions. Not so much with logistical or administrative stuff; I get confused quite easily in those areas. But if you're putting together a story or a performance, I'm your girl. I'm not an aritistic diva, but I can form solid opinions about artistic things when called upon.
*I want to laugh. A lot. And I want to make other people laugh. I'm sure most people do, and I'd assumed a goofy work environment would be anyone's ideal, but from my interactions and conversations with other people I'm coming to the conclusion that I actually need humor more than most folks. It's my primary form of communication. (It was a great hardship for me when I was in England and no one got my jokes, or could even tell when I was trying to be funny in conversation. It got really bad when I would say something sarcastic ("ironic" if you're British), and they would think I meant the statement at face value. They just thought I was a jerk. Not fun.)
*I'm quite enamored with (of?) the idea of collaboration. It was frustrating in school when I felt like it meant nothing but compromise, but it's quite different once you're a grown-up and can work with people who are really good at what they do. I'm confident that I could be a part of creating some excellent works if I get the chance to bounce ideas off of others, and I can be a good sounding board myself. I want to be inspired. I want to be inspiring.
It all sounds swell, doesn't it? But what would I do, and how would I get there? People have suggested advertising, copywriting, screen & television writing, being a humor columnist, even stand-up comedy. And here's where all kinds of yucky real-world things come into play: I have a music degree, not one in writing or advertising, and my resume reflects that. I don't have relevant writing samples, and have little-to-no idea about how to go about creating them. And the truth is, I'm scared. I don't want to be laughed out of someone's office. Taking initiative has always been hard for me, especially in the realm of human interaction -- that's one of the main reasons I didn't make it as a musician -- I couldn't cold-call people and market myself. The thought of sending univited letters to companies offering my uncredentialed services is so intimidating that after over a year of letting the idea bounce around my head, I still haven't done it.
My age is another factor. I'm not just talking about the number (32 in 2 1/2 weeks), but how I feel. I'm not interested in being a student again, or in having more jobs that pay under $30K a year. I've been on so many bottom rungs that I've practically forgotten that I'm capable. I don't want any more lateral moves. I want to go up. But it's been a very long time since I knew what that was like, and my brain has trouble accepting the idea that other people might want to put my creative skills to use and not just assign me menial tasks.
I don't remember being this scared about possibilities when I was younger, in high school and college. Perhaps it's because in those years I was on a track, and all I had to do was perform well. I got good grades, had good auditions, and that made me successful in my little realm. Once I started doing things on my own, like trying to carve out a career as a freelance musician, I was like a train off the track; I barrelled on for a while, but eventually plowed into the ground. In some ways, I feel like I'm still there. I'm a train without a track, and I feel awkward, uncomfortable, out of my element. And stuck. Even if my only problems are in my head -- the inertia that comes from fear, laziness, or just unclear ideas -- I'm stuck in them, and don't have enough power in myself to get out.
Thinking about it and sending up the occasional prayer got me started on this blog, which has been fun and useful. But the process of getting un-stuck has still been awfully slow, so I've started fasting about it, too. I don't know how you pull a train engine out of the dirt, but that's what has to happen.
Today, my coworker Ben (eyebrow guy) said that he hopes I use my powers for good rather than evil. He said I'd be so good at advertising or PR that he could see me justifying genocide with a sweet smile on my face. This wasn't a slam on my character (I think), but a statement about my potential. It was encouraging, particularly because I respect his opinion on these things. I'll agree that my strengths in the area of diplomacy could definitely be used to doctor some spin, or to otherwise manipulate the populace. I would like the opportunity to use my creative powers for good -- you know, the good kind of manipulation, propaganda, and mind-control. In a goofy work environment. That would be swell.
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2 comments:
OK, here comes my inner career counselor. Feel free to completely ignore this advice. It's probably all crap.
You will move upward, but it might not be as quick as you'd like. Perhaps you can start building a writing portfolio by taking small steps. Maybe you could research volunteer opps you can do after your day job -- like writing for your church newsletter; or doing volunteer PR work at volunteer organization (when I went to Food for Free, the woman mentioned needing volunteer writers and editors to help high school students write a manual for making wood benches); writing music, movie or restaurant reviews in local publications or websites ("not for tourists" seems to be looking for people in boston to write about boston -- http://www.notfortourists.com/jobs-at-nft-wb.aspx)
I've often felt stuck they way you've described, and what's worked for me is to just commit myself to the long term goal & work *really hard* to find the short term plans and goals that will get me there. For me, the short term goals are really important b/c I need little triumphs along the way to the long term goal to keep me motivated. Then I just hunker down and quiet all the negative voices in my head (and there are many, mostly in the form of my best friend's voice, or my mom's voice, who are wonderful people but a little critical).
When I have to make cold calls, or "be on" in interviews, my trick is to pretend I'm someone else. I'm introverted (I didn't speak at all during school in the 7th grade b/c I was so afraid of what others would think of me), so I've had to learn how to appear to be extroverted. When I started looking for jobs, I mimicked what extroverted people did, and forced myself do it, even though it felt funny. After a lot of practice, it doesn't feel so odd anymore.
Anyhoo, that's what I do. But you might do better to take advice from someone who isn't unemployed and living in rat-infested squalor. :-)
i dont know if this will make you feel better, but i have many of the same feelings you do...feelings that i have talent and potential that could be put to some great use, but confusion and fear about how to get there.
i, too, have been told to go into advertising or become a stand up comedian (now, that's really terrifying), and i, too, make less than $30,000 a year (we won't get into how much less). if anything, be encouraged by the fact that you are not alone.
let's collaborate on something. i freaking love collaboration. and writing. and humor. this could be good.
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