Ethical Violations

I work at a publisher. We had to fill out a survey at our company today. It was an opportunity to report any ethical or policy violations we have committed, or suspect someone else may have committed. In the spirit of coming clean, I hereby confess to the following:

-I've been using company funds to keep my pet eliphant, listing him as an employee (L.E. Funt, editor of Babar books).
-I've told people outside the company how much I earn -- and while the act of disclosure was not a crime, the salary amount is.
-I've privately published a series of children's books about an orangutan named Curious James.
-My uncle's domestic partner's dog is employed by a competitor.
-I've been taking kickbacks in the form of 15-gallon drums of peanut butter.
-I brought a machete in to the office a few weeks ago, but that was only because I was completely high; you can't really blame me for that one.
-I've secretly outsourced all my email correspondence to Russia, which is why, in said emails, I'm always asking my Editorial Assistants if they're enjoying the snow outside.
-I had an Italian relative who "fixes problems" convince our coworkers that our recent charity drive was a really worthwhile cause.
-I occasionally freshen my cubicle with Napalm room spray.

That's what I can recall at the moment. If you can remember anything else I may have done, please let me know.