Here's Your Sign

I was chastised today for not posting for four straight days; jury duty is no excuse. OK, you're kind of right about that. So here's a little bit about Signs I've Misread. Many of you will be familiar with Bill Engval (Blue Collar Comedy), or at least his most famous bit, "Here's Your Sign." It's about how stupid people should wear signs identifying them as such, so the rest of us know to beware. After you read what my brain has done, you may think I need to wear a sign myself.

1. There's a high-end jewelry store next to the building where I work. The company is turning 220 years old, and having a sale. Signs are all over, with the words "Historic Savings." My brain sees "Histrionic Savings." But honestly, wouldn't you be intrigued by a sale like that?

2. My roommate and I were walking around our neighborhood. It's densely built up, with only a few small patches of undeveloped land. From down the street, I see a sign near one that says "No Dumping." I think it says "No Camping," and wonder why anyone would want to.

3. This morning, on my way to jury duty, waiting to cross the street, I see a sticker advertising for "Foster Parents!" I read it as "Faster Parents!" (That's it, Mom and Dad, I'm upgrading to Parents 06.)

4. In the jury room, there are papers open on the table. One reveals a full-page ad for Filene's Basement -- "Where Bargains Were Born." Not, apparently, "Where Bananas Were Born." Must have been hungry.

5. This one was my mom: There was a photography store we'd pass called The Dark Room. The lettering was rounded in such a way that she always thought it said The Dork Room. Naturally, we had no reason to go in there.

6. And this last one you wouldn't have gotten if my friend hadn't called while I was trying to type this up two hours ago. It happened when I came home tonight and saw an old book my roommate had left on the kitchen table: Baghdad Without a Map. Harmless enough. Far more intriguing, and perhaps more dangerous, the way I saw it: Baghdad Without a Man.

I realize some of you will be tempted to get Freudian with #6. Oh, wait, that's more likely to happen with the banana one, isn't it?