How do you know if you did the right thing?

I need to talk this out. Be prepared for me to ramble.

Our jury began deliberations yesterday and reached a verdict today. We had several questions on which we had to reach decisions. Because two jurors had been dismissed, and because it was a civil case, we had to reach a 9-out-of-10 majority on each question. We did. But just barely. Like in a movie, we came down to one final question, and there were 8 jurors on one side, 1 juror on the other, and me in the middle, having trouble deciding. I went with the majority, but I'm not even sure what my motives were. Earlier, I had sided with them because I was convined that it was the right answer. But I had second thoughts, and ended up going with the majority despite those second thoughts.

I don't know if I ever would have been convinced fully of either side. I don't know what would have happened if we'd been deadlocked at 8-2. Part of me went with the others because I didn't know if I ever would have been sure, and at some point you just have to choose a side, so I did. I also know that I tend to be indecisive, to second-guess myself, and that I dislike the burden of responsibility to fall on my shoulders. I went with the majority because I didn't want to run from responsibility.

Here are some of the details, since I'm allowed to talk about them now: A woman was suing for wrongful termination. She worked in a home with violently disturbed children, and was injured on the job twice. They were both head injuries. It just so happens that she has hydrocephalitis, and has a shunt in her brain because of it. Doctors agreed that neither injury affected her condition or her shunt. After the second injury, which was minor, she had several symptoms -- headaches, dizziness, balance problems -- and she missed work because of these symptoms. Doctors also agreed that these symptoms were not related to her condition or her injuries, but anxiety about her condition and injuries. She had told her employer, "I can't get hit in the head again." After a series of doctors' appointments, missed meetings, phone calls and faxes, and miscommunications, she was fired.

She says they fired her because they incorrectly perceived her as handicapped; there was no medical reason she couldn't do her job. She also claimed the firing was in response to her claims for workers' compensation. Her former employer claims they fired her because her anxiety was rendering her incapable of working with such disturbed kids and causing her to miss work; her performance was suffering.

There were three people involved in the firing. We the jury determined that, according to the law, she was perceived as handicapped, but that she was qualified to do the job. We found that her termination was not in retaliation to her claims for workers' comp. The sticking point: Was she terminated because her employers saw her as handicapped? 8 people voted no, because it was her anxiety and the consequences of her anxiety that led to her termination. 1 person voted yes, because it was clear that one of the people involved in the discussions leading to her termination was fixated not on her anxiety but on her neurological condition, and he influenced his boss, the ultimate decision-maker. I went with the majority because the ultimate decision-maker was primarily focused on her anxiety, even if one of his counsellors was focused on her condition (and thus her perceived handicap).

This is all a summation. There were many fine points I haven't outlined here. We were essentially asked to determine if she would have been fired for her anxiety and subsequent behavior alone, if there had been no neurological condition behind them. The majority of us decided yes, she would have been, because her anxiety and resultant behavior had become problematic. But of course, I'm not sure. I don't know how to be sure. I don't know what to do with myself now that it's done.

We all agreed that her employer was right to let her go, but the way they went about it was bad. But was it illegal?

I don't know if my icky feelings are conviction that I did the wrong thing, or just my usual guilt and anxiety and uncertainty. I don't know how responsible to feel for this woman now that she's walking away with no vindication and no compensation. The other jurors felt bad, too, but they also felt like they reached the right decision, legally. We weren't asked to be certain; we were asked whether we believed it was more likely than not that she was terminated because a perceived handicap; according to the law, we could still have doubts.

This is the kind of situation where I'm not good at hearing from God, because my mind is screaming. Lord, I ask two things: First, could you let me know how to think about this? If I did the right thing, would you tell me? Second, if I did the wrong thing, would you let me know what to do with that? Either way, please take care of the woman who lost her job.

I knew from the get-go that my problem would be reaching a final decision. I made a decision because I knew I'd have to. I just don't know whether it was right, or even how to tell. The more I think about it, the more I think I was wrong. But that could just be a consequence of dwelling on it.

Jesus, please help me. I'm a mess. Again.