Why Can't I Sound Like Kathleen Turner?

Years ago, I was riding in a big old car with my brother when some '70s music came on the radio. J immediately went into Pimp Mode, resting his right hand loosely on the top of the steering wheel and his left elbow out the window. He nodded along to the music, and in a deep voice said simply, "Yeah." Ever since then, I've wished I could have a low voice -- not so I'd sound like a man, but just so that I'd sound really cool.

My voice isn't bad, it just won't be earning me any street cred, ever. It sounds fine in my head, but as happens to most people, I'm surprised at what I hear when played a recording of myself. I think, Do I really sound that cute? Cute, like a nervous little girl. My "yeah" would sound more like "Yay!" and may be accompanied by hand claps and some jumping up and down. Very non-pimp. More like preppy cheerleader, which isn't really the image I'm going for.

It's like that when I sing, too. Again, not unpleasant, not even high-pitched, just girlish. This renders me incapable of delivering a convincing rendition of the blues. No matter how hard my life got, I'd always sound like I'm singing the pinks:

My boyfriend done left me,
I only have four left now.
My hair is too thick and shiny.
Math is hard,
Let's go shopping.

I think what I need is a seriously unhealthy vice, much worse than my current peanut butter problem. Smoking ought to do it. Or I could just go out into the desert and scream myself hoarse; I heard that a movie director told Lauren Bacall to do that in order to sexify her voice, and she sounded very cool.

All right, those of you who live and work around me, what would you prefer -- smoking or screaming? It will be totally worth it when I begin to cough in an alluring manner.