Other things I'm up to:
--Still experimenting with eye makeup. Getting OK at the eye shadow. Eyeliner still scary. If my life depended on my ability to accurately apply eyeliner, I'd be shot on sight. Also, I start to look a little like I have a black eye. Or two black eyes. And Emo.
--Sung along with a worship music CD tonight. Haven't done that in yonks (to use one of my favorite British slang terms, though I'm told most Brits find it dorky).
--I prayed a big-scary-crazy prayer.
--I mentioned the honesty and trombone already. These are biggies.
Taken all together, I'd say strange things are afoot at the Circle K.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
I Am a Horrible Person. Also, I Played My Trombone
Today, I was finally honest enough to get somebody good and mad at me.
In other news, I've taken out my horn a couple times now. I expect it will be a long, slow process, getting back in shape. My breath is shaky. My left hand and wrist (which bear all the weight) are weaker. My tongue is slow. But the great thing is that I don't have to do any of this. I can spend the next year doing nothing but warm-ups, without the pressure of making a piece of music sound good. Or, I can focus only on the music I find fun, and not be accomplished in all styles for the sake of being a well-developed musician. Or I can just learn one song and play it everywhere and be absolutely dreadful at everything else. At this point, I don't think any of my local friends has heard me play, so anything they hear will be revelatory, even if it's just some simple honks.
And truth be told, my honks ain't sounding too bad.
I'm finding my voice in more ways than one :-).
In other news, I've taken out my horn a couple times now. I expect it will be a long, slow process, getting back in shape. My breath is shaky. My left hand and wrist (which bear all the weight) are weaker. My tongue is slow. But the great thing is that I don't have to do any of this. I can spend the next year doing nothing but warm-ups, without the pressure of making a piece of music sound good. Or, I can focus only on the music I find fun, and not be accomplished in all styles for the sake of being a well-developed musician. Or I can just learn one song and play it everywhere and be absolutely dreadful at everything else. At this point, I don't think any of my local friends has heard me play, so anything they hear will be revelatory, even if it's just some simple honks.
And truth be told, my honks ain't sounding too bad.
I'm finding my voice in more ways than one :-).
Monday, April 19, 2010
HVAC Blogging
The latest in blog posts designed to help me vent a little.
First, I've finally begun hiding the Facebook friends whose posts consist of little but "It's Friday!" as if it's not true for the rest of the world. As oblivious as I can be, I do not need other people to tell me what day it is. It's insultingly boring.
Also, I'm not sure whether someone was grateful that I turned off the fire under their food while they left the house for an hour, or whether they were upset that I touched it. It just never entered my head that anyone would do that on PURPOSE.
When the day comes that all my media outlets come under the heading of my full name, I'm going to have to delete some of these posts, along with some tweets.
But not today.
First, I've finally begun hiding the Facebook friends whose posts consist of little but "It's Friday!" as if it's not true for the rest of the world. As oblivious as I can be, I do not need other people to tell me what day it is. It's insultingly boring.
Also, I'm not sure whether someone was grateful that I turned off the fire under their food while they left the house for an hour, or whether they were upset that I touched it. It just never entered my head that anyone would do that on PURPOSE.
When the day comes that all my media outlets come under the heading of my full name, I'm going to have to delete some of these posts, along with some tweets.
But not today.
Wednesday, April 07, 2010
It's Too Darn Hot
The temperature's risin'
It isn't surprisin'
She certainly can Can-Can.
It was in the 80s today. This is inconvenient. I get most of my exercise from walking, and if it's hot the instant I step out the door, it ain't gonna be pretty after I've been moving for half an hour. In work clothes. With my hair getting frizzy. The alternative is to take the (sometimes) air-conditioned bus, and get no exercise. Holly no likey. I'd much, much, much rather trudge through the snow. I spend all Fall and Winter listening to people whine about the fact that we have weather. Well, now it's my turn.
All the Winter Whiners can kiss my sweaty ass.
It isn't surprisin'
She certainly can Can-Can.
It was in the 80s today. This is inconvenient. I get most of my exercise from walking, and if it's hot the instant I step out the door, it ain't gonna be pretty after I've been moving for half an hour. In work clothes. With my hair getting frizzy. The alternative is to take the (sometimes) air-conditioned bus, and get no exercise. Holly no likey. I'd much, much, much rather trudge through the snow. I spend all Fall and Winter listening to people whine about the fact that we have weather. Well, now it's my turn.
All the Winter Whiners can kiss my sweaty ass.
Easter Weekend
Friday: The menfolk fly the model airplane around.
Saturday: The family spends a couple hours dislodging the model airplane from a very tall tree.
Easter Sunday: They fly the model airplane again, and also shoot off some bottle rockets. Because it's Easter, duh.
Noteworthy: My nephew is becoming way fun. He learned to say my name (sounds the same as when he says "Hi"). He's also a budding mash-up artist. When you add the sounds he knows to the words we grown-ups were singing, you get, "Jesus Christ is ris'n today, E-I-E-I-O." He's also arranged the Beach Boys. "Giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up, 4-0-9" has been simplified to, "Clip clop, clip clop, NINE!"
The original was a bit wordy, if you think about it. And surely two-year-olds are nothing if not economical.
Saturday: The family spends a couple hours dislodging the model airplane from a very tall tree.
Easter Sunday: They fly the model airplane again, and also shoot off some bottle rockets. Because it's Easter, duh.
Noteworthy: My nephew is becoming way fun. He learned to say my name (sounds the same as when he says "Hi"). He's also a budding mash-up artist. When you add the sounds he knows to the words we grown-ups were singing, you get, "Jesus Christ is ris'n today, E-I-E-I-O." He's also arranged the Beach Boys. "Giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up, 4-0-9" has been simplified to, "Clip clop, clip clop, NINE!"
The original was a bit wordy, if you think about it. And surely two-year-olds are nothing if not economical.
Thursday, April 01, 2010
Things I Like
God. He's nice.
walking
watching TV
eating
reading
9 hours of sleep. in a row.
stretching, even though I'm not very flexible
applause
the way I look in my long leather jacket. you should see me in it. really.
not having to go anywhere
funny YouTube videos
furry, friendly dogs
walking
watching TV
eating
reading
9 hours of sleep. in a row.
stretching, even though I'm not very flexible
applause
the way I look in my long leather jacket. you should see me in it. really.
not having to go anywhere
funny YouTube videos
furry, friendly dogs
Friday, March 26, 2010
The Vatican's Chief Butt-Kicker
I'm not Catholic, but in a comment on another blog I read, someone referenced articles about Gabriele Amorth, for years the Vatican's head exorcist. Some fun facts:
The Exorcist is his favorite movie.
He shares some theology with Verbal from The Usual Suspects ("The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist").
Some links to interviews:
http://www.vaticans.org/index.php?/archives/61-An-interview-with-the-Vaticans-chief-excorcist,-Father-Gabriele.html
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/religion/1260364/posts
Mostly, I just love that this guy sticks it to the Devil on a daily basis.
The Exorcist is his favorite movie.
He shares some theology with Verbal from The Usual Suspects ("The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist").
Some links to interviews:
http://www.vaticans.org/index.php?/archives/61-An-interview-with-the-Vaticans-chief-excorcist,-Father-Gabriele.html
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/religion/1260364/posts
Mostly, I just love that this guy sticks it to the Devil on a daily basis.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
More Acting, Less Drama
Shit been goin' down.
As one might expect when sharing a planet with other sentient creatures, there is occassionally tension. And sometimes outright conflict. And sometimes high drama that makes living as a hermit in a cave for the rest of my earthly existence look like an extremely attractive idea.
I'm trying to navigate it all as best I can, because lessons unlearned are repeated, and no more fun the second/third/fifty-seventh go 'round. But as frustrated and angry as I get with other people, I'm more frustrated and angry at myself for not being better at dealing with the confusing mess. And it's not encouraging to think that even if I weren't messed up and were perfect in every way (which, alas, I'm not -- I know, shocker!), everyone else would still be messed up and it would still be hard.
Hard is hard. Why can't all difficult situations be condensed into a movie montage with a rockin' soundtrack, so I could feel awesome?
And why can't I have more upper-body strength so that throwing and punching things would be worthwhile?
As one might expect when sharing a planet with other sentient creatures, there is occassionally tension. And sometimes outright conflict. And sometimes high drama that makes living as a hermit in a cave for the rest of my earthly existence look like an extremely attractive idea.
I'm trying to navigate it all as best I can, because lessons unlearned are repeated, and no more fun the second/third/fifty-seventh go 'round. But as frustrated and angry as I get with other people, I'm more frustrated and angry at myself for not being better at dealing with the confusing mess. And it's not encouraging to think that even if I weren't messed up and were perfect in every way (which, alas, I'm not -- I know, shocker!), everyone else would still be messed up and it would still be hard.
Hard is hard. Why can't all difficult situations be condensed into a movie montage with a rockin' soundtrack, so I could feel awesome?
And why can't I have more upper-body strength so that throwing and punching things would be worthwhile?
Friday, March 19, 2010
You Have Been Warned
I have decided that I am not pale; I am white hot.
You'll want to wear sunglasses if you come to Boston this summer, though. Wouldn't want to go snow-blind should you catch me in shorts.
You'll want to wear sunglasses if you come to Boston this summer, though. Wouldn't want to go snow-blind should you catch me in shorts.
Wednesday, March 03, 2010
Things I Would Do if I Had the Money to Be as Eccentric as I Want to Be
Wear costumes
Get a giant trampoline and/or moon bounce
That's all I've got at the moment. I'm a simple woman.
Get a giant trampoline and/or moon bounce
That's all I've got at the moment. I'm a simple woman.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
It's My Brain's Fault
I may have figured out why I cannot, for the life of me, stay awake in meetings and training sessions: There are no Attention Triggers.
I've made this up, but it makes perfect sense to me, so you can't disagree even if you disagree.
Here's my theory: Our minds, as we grow up, become conditioned to pay attention to certain triggers -- someone calling our name, a raised voice, the mention of subjects we're interested in. As a musician, my ears perked up at the mention of "trombones" or "brass," and tuned out when other sections were being spoken to. Parents learn to pick out their children's cries. Without being fully conscious of it, we probably know when the commericials are done and we need to get from the kitchen to the living room to watch more of our favorite show, or we can tell when a family member has pulled into the driveway.
The meetings at work have a complete lack of Attention Triggers for me. They don't discuss things that I'm interested in, or even fully understand, and they're usually explained in a drone by people who are perfectly nice and perfectly knowledgeable but not exactly on their way to winning Entertainer of the Year. I try to pay attention, but every ounce of gray matter floating inside my skull is convinced that there are at least a dozen other things worth thinking about, so it does that instead. OK, there is one small part that cares about being good, but the rest of my brain seems to believe that, to quote Dark Helmet, "Good is dumb."
I've made this up, but it makes perfect sense to me, so you can't disagree even if you disagree.
Here's my theory: Our minds, as we grow up, become conditioned to pay attention to certain triggers -- someone calling our name, a raised voice, the mention of subjects we're interested in. As a musician, my ears perked up at the mention of "trombones" or "brass," and tuned out when other sections were being spoken to. Parents learn to pick out their children's cries. Without being fully conscious of it, we probably know when the commericials are done and we need to get from the kitchen to the living room to watch more of our favorite show, or we can tell when a family member has pulled into the driveway.
The meetings at work have a complete lack of Attention Triggers for me. They don't discuss things that I'm interested in, or even fully understand, and they're usually explained in a drone by people who are perfectly nice and perfectly knowledgeable but not exactly on their way to winning Entertainer of the Year. I try to pay attention, but every ounce of gray matter floating inside my skull is convinced that there are at least a dozen other things worth thinking about, so it does that instead. OK, there is one small part that cares about being good, but the rest of my brain seems to believe that, to quote Dark Helmet, "Good is dumb."
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Mutual Anger. Nice!
I was annoyed at my roommate for not being like me. I just found out he was annoyed with me for the same reason. Somehow, that made me feel a whole lot better. I think that, more than anything, I'd been struggling with my own anger, and how it made me feel like a bad, judgmental person. Now I feel like we're even, and have a mutual understanding about our mutual misunderstanding.
Being a messy human is awkward and gross, but getting it out in the open can be relieving and fun*. The rest of this day will be much better now.
*That's what she said.
Being a messy human is awkward and gross, but getting it out in the open can be relieving and fun*. The rest of this day will be much better now.
*That's what she said.
Four Out of Five Ain't Bad
Change, baby!
The tiniest things make the difference between happening and not happening. Over the last few weeks, the right tiny things fell into place and look to be bringing about the kind of change I've been waiting for for the last ten years. I'm not making any predictions yet, but am instead determined to enjoy the present and enjoy the process. But I can't pretend it hasn't occurred to me that this could change everything, and hoo boy, is that exciting.
It would allow me to be an Actress, Musician, Writer, and Comedian. No Princess promises yet, but the thought that I could even get to have all four of those creative outlets at once is amazing enough. I'll take it!
And I'll keep you all posted. Sorry for being a bit vague about it at the moment. I may be approaching the point where I have to ditch the anonymity, and let my blog, Twitter, Facebook, YouTube, and personal selves meet. I'll be Out There, last name and all, for the world to see and judge, and I may have to delete some of the posts and tweets that could hurt people's feelings. I'm up for letting myself look ugly as long as it's real, but there's a lot to be said for consideration and discretion. That should be an interesting balance to strike.
But I'm getting ahead of myself. For now, just know that fun is a-stirrin' in Hollyland, and the world at large could benefit (or be appalled) in the near future!
The tiniest things make the difference between happening and not happening. Over the last few weeks, the right tiny things fell into place and look to be bringing about the kind of change I've been waiting for for the last ten years. I'm not making any predictions yet, but am instead determined to enjoy the present and enjoy the process. But I can't pretend it hasn't occurred to me that this could change everything, and hoo boy, is that exciting.
It would allow me to be an Actress, Musician, Writer, and Comedian. No Princess promises yet, but the thought that I could even get to have all four of those creative outlets at once is amazing enough. I'll take it!
And I'll keep you all posted. Sorry for being a bit vague about it at the moment. I may be approaching the point where I have to ditch the anonymity, and let my blog, Twitter, Facebook, YouTube, and personal selves meet. I'll be Out There, last name and all, for the world to see and judge, and I may have to delete some of the posts and tweets that could hurt people's feelings. I'm up for letting myself look ugly as long as it's real, but there's a lot to be said for consideration and discretion. That should be an interesting balance to strike.
But I'm getting ahead of myself. For now, just know that fun is a-stirrin' in Hollyland, and the world at large could benefit (or be appalled) in the near future!
Friday, February 12, 2010
I Don't Like Phone Calls
I've figured it out.
I've always been a little afraid of the phone, especially when it comes to making calls. Receiving can be OK, but I've found I'm not always a huge fan of that, either. Yet texts are fine. I've also learned that I hugely prefer e-mail to instant messaging. And I think I've finally figured out why.
I feel interrupted when contacted via a medium that demands instant reponse; whereas things that can sit for a while, for which I can take my time to process and think about my responses, are fine. And I get really, really scared at the thought of interrupting somebody else, not knowing whether they'll be free or in the mood to interact with me, and I'll have to navigate a potentially awkward situation without the benefit of facial expressions or hand gestures and all the reciprocal communication contained therein. Yikes!
Some of you are probably worried now, but don't be. I don't always hate calls or messaging. It is interesting, though, what accounts for our preferred methods of communication.
I've always been a little afraid of the phone, especially when it comes to making calls. Receiving can be OK, but I've found I'm not always a huge fan of that, either. Yet texts are fine. I've also learned that I hugely prefer e-mail to instant messaging. And I think I've finally figured out why.
I feel interrupted when contacted via a medium that demands instant reponse; whereas things that can sit for a while, for which I can take my time to process and think about my responses, are fine. And I get really, really scared at the thought of interrupting somebody else, not knowing whether they'll be free or in the mood to interact with me, and I'll have to navigate a potentially awkward situation without the benefit of facial expressions or hand gestures and all the reciprocal communication contained therein. Yikes!
Some of you are probably worried now, but don't be. I don't always hate calls or messaging. It is interesting, though, what accounts for our preferred methods of communication.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Messy, Messy, Messy!
I think I'm reaching the point where the rubber hits the road in terms of being able to be myself in all my flawed splendor. Like in the way I'm leaving comments on my pastor's blog, even when I don't come off as sunshiny, or even rational. Just putting stuff out there, because even if it's not all brilliant or it's not all understood or appreciated, at least I tried.
This applies to lots of areas, not just having points of view. It applies to creativity, and turning ideas into works, even when they don't always come out as you'd hoped. And it applies to relationships, showing genuine enthusiasm to be around someone instead of playing it cool.
It means allowing myself to be unabashedly geeky, unapologetically unironic, fully engaged, exposed, anal and not "cool" with everything when I'm NOT cool with everything, and left wide open to criticism. It means letting people see my flaws, and not always trying to paint them prettily first. It means being OK when I don't know where I stand with everybody, when not all confusion is cleared up, and when some of my ideas get shot down as soon as they're spoken.
Ze Frank talks about the difficulty of "moving from 0 to 1," of how beginning something is harder than keeping it going, and how our ideas will always look better when they live only in our heads and never make the transition from Idea to Creation.
I'm leaving zero.
This applies to lots of areas, not just having points of view. It applies to creativity, and turning ideas into works, even when they don't always come out as you'd hoped. And it applies to relationships, showing genuine enthusiasm to be around someone instead of playing it cool.
It means allowing myself to be unabashedly geeky, unapologetically unironic, fully engaged, exposed, anal and not "cool" with everything when I'm NOT cool with everything, and left wide open to criticism. It means letting people see my flaws, and not always trying to paint them prettily first. It means being OK when I don't know where I stand with everybody, when not all confusion is cleared up, and when some of my ideas get shot down as soon as they're spoken.
Ze Frank talks about the difficulty of "moving from 0 to 1," of how beginning something is harder than keeping it going, and how our ideas will always look better when they live only in our heads and never make the transition from Idea to Creation.
I'm leaving zero.
I Am a Commenter!
A few months ago, I began reading my pastor's blog, and I took a leap of courage and left some comments on it. There are some posts that don't interest me at all, and others that I feel so strongly about that I get quite caught up in it, and I find myself checking the blog every fifteen minutes to see if other people have read my comment and what responses they have.
I get scared, too. I care what people think, and I've had some pretty harrowing experiences with being misjudged (outside that particular blog), so I've always got my eye out for that. But I'm learning, over and over again, that putting my feelings and opinions out there is a brave and vulnerable thing, and I don't have to apologize for having genuine reactions. I'd grown so used to valuing my intellectual detachment, wanting to be unassailable in my arguments, but lately my heart has begun leaping ahead of my brain and I say things that are entirely assailable, but that I also feel deeply.
Well, good. I'm not objective, and that is progress.
I get scared, too. I care what people think, and I've had some pretty harrowing experiences with being misjudged (outside that particular blog), so I've always got my eye out for that. But I'm learning, over and over again, that putting my feelings and opinions out there is a brave and vulnerable thing, and I don't have to apologize for having genuine reactions. I'd grown so used to valuing my intellectual detachment, wanting to be unassailable in my arguments, but lately my heart has begun leaping ahead of my brain and I say things that are entirely assailable, but that I also feel deeply.
Well, good. I'm not objective, and that is progress.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Wakefulness Fail
It's not like I set the bar all that high.
Today's goal at work: Remain awake while other people are watching.
Nope. Couldn't even do that. Kept nodding during a 2 1/2 hour training meeting, which was pure theory to me -- I'd never worked on the kinds of projects they were talking about, so while I understood the words, their combined meaning bounced off my head like bullets off Superman's chest. I was impervious.
Ugh. Whatever they pump through the vents in those conference rooms, I sure could use some of it near my bed around 11pm on weeknights. I'm almost never sleepy then.
Today's goal at work: Remain awake while other people are watching.
Nope. Couldn't even do that. Kept nodding during a 2 1/2 hour training meeting, which was pure theory to me -- I'd never worked on the kinds of projects they were talking about, so while I understood the words, their combined meaning bounced off my head like bullets off Superman's chest. I was impervious.
Ugh. Whatever they pump through the vents in those conference rooms, I sure could use some of it near my bed around 11pm on weeknights. I'm almost never sleepy then.
Down with Haters
That's it.
People have been so insistent about complaining about the snow -- often in comments after my own Facebook wall posts, wherein I specifically asked that they let me have my fun and not hate all over the snow-- that I've now lost my own joy in it. Instead of being entranced when the flakes fall, I see what they see: A wet, inconvenient mess.
I'm pissed. It was quite disrespectful, really.
They managed to spread their whininess until it seeped into me, and now I have less joy than I used to. And frankly, I didn't have a heck of a lot to spare.
I really wish people would keep their stupid yaps shut when they have nothing but negative things to say.
Except for me, of course, when I'm complaining about the negative people, because that's totally legit.
People have been so insistent about complaining about the snow -- often in comments after my own Facebook wall posts, wherein I specifically asked that they let me have my fun and not hate all over the snow-- that I've now lost my own joy in it. Instead of being entranced when the flakes fall, I see what they see: A wet, inconvenient mess.
I'm pissed. It was quite disrespectful, really.
They managed to spread their whininess until it seeped into me, and now I have less joy than I used to. And frankly, I didn't have a heck of a lot to spare.
I really wish people would keep their stupid yaps shut when they have nothing but negative things to say.
Except for me, of course, when I'm complaining about the negative people, because that's totally legit.
Sunday, February 07, 2010
Sports for Comedians
I've got the Super Bowl on, and it has me feeling wistful for the best Super Bowl party I've ever attended. It was last year, and it was hosted by this guy who created an online group for stand-up comedians in Boston. I'm not a stand-up, but I joined, and the party was perfect for me -- full of people who weren't all that into the game itself, but appreciated the cultural experience and focused during the commercials, making lots and lots and lots of hilarious comments throughout the whole thing. And the pomtini, perhaps the single strongest drink I've ever had, which didn't hurt the fun none. If I remember correctly, the only piece of sport knowledge I came away with was, "The Cardinals are basically douchebags."
Sigh. Missing you, Comedians' Party.
Sigh. Missing you, Comedians' Party.
Friday, January 15, 2010
The World Is a Better Place with These Things in It
Croutons
Deodorant
Dogs
Acne medication
Books you read because you want to, not because you have to
Cashews
Percussion
Metaphors
Dr. Seuss
Slap bass (the instrument, not the fish)
Lip balm
Blankets
Mid-Winter celebrations
Beer hats
Walking shoes
Finger paint
Ice cubes
3-legged races (the competitions, not races of 3-legged people)
Headphones
Irony
Deodorant
Dogs
Acne medication
Books you read because you want to, not because you have to
Cashews
Percussion
Metaphors
Dr. Seuss
Slap bass (the instrument, not the fish)
Lip balm
Blankets
Mid-Winter celebrations
Beer hats
Walking shoes
Finger paint
Ice cubes
3-legged races (the competitions, not races of 3-legged people)
Headphones
Irony
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