It's hard to admit the need to be loved. At least I find it hard. But it's there, whether I admit to it or not. It's a place in me, feeling like an empty stomach, sealed off and protected, but very, very present. On Saturday, I fessed up before God that it was there. I often hide it from Him, and I definitely hide it from other people, because I don't like to reveal that kind of weakness. And I felt like if I opened up that space in myself, it would be like a vacuum suddenly exposed to air, with anything and everything rushing in to fill the space, dangerous and out of control.
On Sunday, I got prayed for during church, as I always do. The girl who prayed for me said I don't have to let everything in all at once; God can fill that place slowly, as long as I let Him. Huh. Hadn't thought of that.
So I've been asking. And this prayer, this asking God to fill the deepest, most vulnerable part of my soul, feels in itself like the answer to all my other prayers -- for meaningful, enjoyable work; for love and friendships with other people; for joy and happiness in this life, not just the next. I've asked God to do this before, but maybe I'm readier now. Or maybe I'm not putting up the defenses so much.
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